Close Your Eyes

An enterprising young college student plays the Buffy/Angel theme...

The Dark Age

Season Two, Episode Eight

2/9/09

Welcome back, Hellmouthers! SHE is super-excited about her Valentine's Day knitting books, and HE is super-excited about his new pens. In this episode, we learn how not to treat head injuries, how to lose the security deposit on your apartment, and about the point of an Onslow.

Murder and Aerobics

HE: The rapid plinky piano music always spells trouble!
SHE: Plus the guy looking scared. Run, guy! Wait! Is that Jayne!
HE: Too short. Don’t talk to the night janitor with muttonchops!
SHE: And the bald head. He doesn’t look so good.
HE: He stepped on a crack, I think. There goes his mother’s back?
SHE: Was that my stomach growling? No, that was just a zombie moaning.
HE: So basically Buffy’s music killed somebody…that’s some pretty unfortunate irony.
SHE: I was going to say aerobics killed this man, but you’re right. it was the music.
HE: Meanwhile Diedre turns into Double Dare goop.
Ew.

---

Mind Games

HE: When Giles has nightmares, he dreams of U2, apparently.
SHE: Have you played “Anywhere but here” lately?
HE: I don’t even know how to respond safely to that. Funny that Willow fantasizes about John Cusack…isn’t he gay, too?
SHE: No! John Cusack is not gay.
HE: Oh wait, that’s Mathew Broderick.
SHE: You can tell this show is old, because the teenagers are wanting to be eating ziti with John Cusack.

HE: “There should be more math. This could be mathier.” I feel the same way about English. This could be Englisher.

HE: Nice juicebox, Xander.
SHE: He’s like a six-year old.
HE: I want to know which Forester book is it? Remains of the Day? Howard’s End?
SHE: Which book would Giles have loaned Jenny?
HE: Hmm. Good question. I could see him as the butler from Remains of the Day, and Jenny as that wacky woman from Howard’s End.
SHE: Jenny said he’s a sexy fuddy duddy. Giles and Calendar sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
HE: What are you, six? She wants to see him squirm. Dude! She totally wants the sex! Dude!
SHE: And it was so nice when you said that the first time.
HE: I know I’ve talked a lot about Jenny’s proclivities, but you have to admit, she’s got it bad right here. Do you admit it?
SHE: Her pheremones were reaching out and grabbing him in the junk.
HE: I can’t believe you just said that.
SHE: You told me to admit it.

---

A Homicide

SHE: Lippy Cordelia. Cordelia is so lippy. Would you really enjoy having a lippy Cordelia in your class?
HE: What makes you think I don’t? Cordelia gets a special pass, though. I love it. Cordy comes in, stays, and leaves without a clue. She never knows.
SHE: What’s more important is that there’s no concern. She doesn’t care to figure out what the heck is going on.
HE: It isn’t about her.

---

Blood Drive

SHE: Did Buffy drive to the hospital? She’s standing next to what looks like her mother’s car.
HE: Well, no sense in letting it all go to waste!

HE: Angel says “it’s delivery day. Everybody knows about delivery day.”
SHE: They’re a tightly knit vampire community in Sunnydale. I’m surprised that with all the violence in Sunnydale that all the blood they need for the month fits in a cooler.
HE: Oh, I’m sure they complain all the time about shortages. Just like every other whiny hospital.
SHE: Aw, nice.
HE: Thanks, Onslow. Which reminds me what I want for my birthday…

HE: Is this the first time we have seen Giles’s apartment? I don’t remember.
SHE: Yeah? There are steps leading down to Giles’s apartment, but there are steps going up to the apartment complex.
HE: Trippy.

---

Old Friends

SHE: He has the mark. Zombie rising!
HE: “So. You’re back.” Nice Apocalypse Now moment with the water bowl. Whedon uses that again later at the end of Season 4 with Xander’s dream.
SHE: How does the zombie get out of the drawer? It’s not like there’s a latch on the inside.
HE: Maybe it does. Maybe they have a lot of bodies that don’t turn out to be dead after all. Maybe it’s a precaution.
SHE: So they make the drawers easy to open from the inside?
HE: Sorry, we thought you were dead!
SHE: La la! We’ll be more careful next time!

“Okay class, the first thing we’re going to do is…Buffy!”
“Did I fall asleep already?”

---

Ethan

HE: There are a lot more stacks in this library than one thinks!
SHE: It’s hard to find people in a library
HE: I mean, seriously. I thought there were only a few. I guess there’s more.

SHE: Did you notice the doors leading to yet more stacks?
HE: No. I thought this library was like some interdimensional vortex where it expanded or contracted depending on the needs of the story.

---

What’s Going On?

SHE: What’s going on? What’s coming? What’s going on?
HE: Xander gets tossed off by Ethan rather easily, but then Ethan gets dropped by a Cordy kick to the shins.
SHE: That didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. That power in her kicks must come from all the cheerleading.
HE: I think it speaks volumes about Xander’s wimpiness. Look, our second library cage detainee…is Phillip the Zombie! Yay!
SHE: Also the first one to escape the library cage.
HE: I think they forgot to lock it. Nobody noticed the big cat eye thing. Now how could a roomful of people miss that?
SHE: I’m sure every time they made out, the kids averted their eyes.

---

The Mark of Eyghon

SHE: Giles was very firm. The rest of the episode will be teenagers hanging out and not worrying about the Mark of Eyghon.
HE: I’ve been waiting to say this…Eyghon, take me away!
SHE: Sigh.

HE: Hey look, Cordelia is reporting for duty! First time?
SHE: It’s really kind of sweet of her.
HE: In a stupid, useless sort of way.

---

Possessed

SHE: Nice lamp. Did you not notice Giles’s lamp?
HE: I was too busy grappling with Giles’s overreaction here. Oh big deal, Giles…she got pushed down by a zombie.
SHE: He goes a little weird in this story.
HE: I thought “Halloween” did a better job of presenting Giles’s menacing younger days. And I was right there with Giles when he was doing the Apocalypse Now look in the mirror. But he gets a little wimpy here for my tastes.
SHE: A lot of sniveling.
HE: Dude! embrace your inner bad boy.
SHE: I learned from CSI that alcohol is not the best thing for a head injury. I think that was whiskey.
HE: Maybe he’s giving it to her to distract her from that horrible looking tattoo. It looks like a tuba stuck to a treble clef.
SHE: Personally, I wouldn’t want to be possessed by a tuba. I think that would be horrific.
HE: Okay Jenny, didja haveta yank the cord out of the wall? You couldn’t just disconnect the jack?
SHE: If she just disconnected the jack, then he could just plug it back in. Plus, he’ll lose the deposit, and that’s more evil. And look, first he serves alcohol, then tea. He gets her intoxicated, then tries to sober her up.
HE: She says, “You’re like a woman, Ripper.” I’m beginning to believe it. Come on, Giles! Rally, man!
SHE: Pull yourself together!
HE: Jenny/Eyghon’s face is going to be ketchup soup when it goes through that window. I don’t care how leathery your demon skin’s supposed to be.
SHE: Why didn’t it take the door, except it wanted to make sure that security deposit was gone.
HE: I think it peed on the rug on the way out.

---

History

HE: Look! Giles used to look like Dave Coulier!
SHE: Who’s Dave Coulier?
HE: The funny uncle from Full House. I put “funny uncle” in scare quotes, by the way.
SHE: He was cute when he was younger. He didn’t look threatening in any way.
HE: Dave Coulier was never cute. Oh, you probably means Giles. Hold on loosely, Giles! You’re going to lose control!
SHE: I’m still loving the lamp.
HE: Nobody cares about the lamp.

---

Initiation

HE: What a dumbass. Never, never, never turn your back on Ethan!
SHE: Ever ever.
HE: I like the line about how the stinging will go away once the searing pain kicks in.
SHE: I wonder if you have to have a special potion for your tattoo to summon demons.
HE: Like something you rub on it afterwards? Like a salve?
SHE: Like something mixed in with the ink.
HE: Like on that episode of The X-Files when Scully gets that tattoo of the snake eating its own tail?
SHE: The ourobouros? Did that summon a demon?
HE: I don’t remember. It was hot, though.

---

Showdown

HE: Xander is picking a fight with a girl. Well, that’s consistent.
SHE: Cordelia is right, too. She could take him.
HE: Just kick him in the shin. He’s such a girl.

HE: Look at Calendar now. Egad, those ears.
SHE: She looks like an evil elf.
HE: Maybe after she’s done killing everyone, she’ll build some toy trains!
SHE: Or make cookies inside a tree!

HE: Well, you have to hand it to Ethan…it takes balls to pour acid on your arm.
SHE: For our readers, I don’t recommend removing a tattoo by dumping acid on it.

---

It’s Over

HE: Finally Angel does something useful! Although it really doesn’t make up for killing Jenny later.
SHE: It just makes his relationship more confusing. I wonder how one kills a demon that’s in one’s body. Other than go all cartoony for a minute.
HE: I’m sure there’s places where you can get a demonectomy. I think Angel’s just lazy.

HE: So…Jenny’s skin goes back to normal?
SHE: Rather quickly, too.
HE: Convenient for her, I suppose. Permanent disfigurement would have made Giles’s conundrum a lot easier to solve. “Yeah, let’s just be friends.”
SHE: “I’m not loving the ears. Let’s just talk at work.”
HE: Apparently in Sunnydale, tattoo removal can actually be paid for with an allowance.
SHE: And if you’re trying to hide it from your mother, you can still wear spaghetti straps.

HE: Check out Jenny distancing herself. Brrr! I would have thought Jenny would have been into the whole bad boy thing.
SHE: She’s a little fickle, isn’t she?
HE: I guess she likes to be the bad boy. Way to blow all your cred, Giles.

SHE: Who were The Bay City Rollers?
HE: Apparently they are not music. I think I’ve heard of them. When we were cleaning out my parents’ house, I found a bunch of crap. And I think I saw one of their records. I left it behind with Captain and Teneille, Andy Griffith Sings…
SHE: You probably could have sold it on Ebay because it’s rare and nobody likes it anymore.
HE: Well, unlike you, I happen to have a conscience, and I would not do that to people who have not done me any harm.

[Editor's Note: Thanks to our new Photo Impact software, we no longer rely on other websites for the images you see here. But thanks go out to screencap-paradise for the use of their images in our postings before this point!]

Next time: "What's My Line?--Part One

Lie to Me

Season Two, Episode Seven

1/17/09

SHE likes knitting. HE likes imabic pentameter. In this episode, we learn about the Hobbesian nature of Sunnydale, how existentialism trumps brain cancer, and George Clinton.

Angel’s Heart

HE: Look, it’s a magical playground! Nobody is on that merry-go-round, and yet it’s moving.
SHE: I’m getting dizzy.
HE: That’s why you don’t play video games.
SHE: True. There is nothing creepier than meeting Drusilla in a playground after dark.
HE: This kid should be running like mad from the crazy woman in her nightgown.
SHE: Kids just don’t have any sense anymore.
HE: That’s a nifty rescue by Angel Just pops out of nowhere.
SHE: And he’s more frightening –looking than Drusilla is.
HE: Geez, insecure much, Buffy? Nikki Woods the slayer would have been all up in his junk, tearing him a new vamphole.
SHE: His other relationships are a source of insecurity for her. She never has to meet Darla, fortunately.

---

Buffy’s Old Crush

SHE: Ah, precious sunlight.
HE: Jenny’s back! Giles is so nervous about their date. Hey Giles, where’s your gypsy sense of adventure?
SHE: You got to wonder what she’s thinking.
HE: Oh, I don’t wonder. Dang, double entendre much, Jenny? It’s like an all-the-time thing with her.

HE: Giles is just now researching Spike? Glad you get could around to it
SHE: Maybe this is tax season, and he’s been busy with other things.
HE: Is tweed deductable for a librarian?

HE: Willow and Buffy passing notes in class…so quaint!
SHE: Do they still do that, sweetie?
HE: No, they just talk over you now and get irritated if you interrupt.
SHE: Did you enjoy Cordelia’s perspective on Marie Antoinette?
HE: I enjoy Cordelia’s vision of history. I wonder what her take on the Medicis would have been.
SHE: I guarantee you she wouldn’t get all Miniver Cheevy about it, that’s for sure.
HE: Damn, nice allusion!

HE: Billy Fordham…it’s great when Xander has to be jealous of humans.
SHE: Xander is jealous of everyone. He secretly loathes himself. Hence the shirts.
HE: It was just mean of Joss to make Buffy reference the Divinyls’ “I Touch Myself.” There is no conceivable innocent meaning to it. Even Willow should have been able to figure that one out.
SHE: It was a bridge too far.

HE: Xander makes an interesting point here: “Geez, doesn’t she know any fat guys?”
SHE: She is chummy with the good-looking ones, apparently.
HE: Except for Xander.
SHE: At least he makes jokes. That’s his contribution.

---

Ford Knows

SHE: Angel’s caught in a lie. Staying in, reading. Buffy is trying to punish her man here.
HE: At least Angel’s hair looks much better in this episode.
SHE: They made him more pale than usual. Therefore the lipstick.
HE: I was going to mention that later. OMG the guy at the bar’s hat! Take it off! Take it off! You’re inside! And it’s hideous!
SHE: I missed it.
HE: You’re lucky. He looked like he was trying to channel Mr. McGoo or something.

HE: “You’re not wrong.” Xander’s all-purpose quip. And effective.
SHE: It’s a little passive, but then again, it’s Xander. Made me laugh both times, though.
HE: Are those tiny monkees on Willow’s shirt?
SHE: I thought it was just a busy design.
HE: A busy design flinging poo on my eyes.

HE: What, Buffy smelled the vamp from around the corner?
SHE: She heard the crash. Did you not hear the crash, deafo?
HE: I wouldn’t be a very effective slayer. Especially since I’m a boy.
SHE: And deaf.

HE: Meanwhile…at the speakeasy, I mean the foundry. No, I mean a bomb shelter. The welder is a nice touch.
SHE: Great music in the club.
HE: The goofy guy with the Lestat costume cracks me up. Marvin (Diego) looks like a magician.
SHE: He really does. I mean, purple?
HE: Where in the world is Marvin Diego?
SHE: They keep showing “Dracula” on the TV. I get it.
HE: Good thing they weren’t showing “To Wong Fu…” That would have been awkward.
SHE: More stylish, though.

---

Angel Needs Help

SHE: I think it’s great Angel’s stalking the new guy. Jealousy is sexy in a boyfriend.
HE: He claims there’s something not right about him. Yeah, the something “not-right” is he existing. Meanwhile, here’s Angel making a booty call on Willow.
SHE: It’s not actually a booty call, but a Google call.
HE: Ha ha! I like the freaked-out look on Willow’s face when she turns away after inviting Angel in.
SHE: She had to get her bra off the bed. I’m shocked you didn’t notice.
HE: Actually,I did notice, but I’m refraining from commenting, because that would be crass. Willow is wearing that blood-red lipstick. But it's not as shocking as Angel’s.
SHE: He looks very pale in this episode, as I said before.

---

Touring Sunnydale

SHE: I can’t believe Buffy is taking Ford along to fight vampires.
HE: I can’t believe there’s a sidewalk two feet away, and they’re walking on the grass.
SHE: What are you, the lawn police?
HE: I also can’t believe that she buys Ford’s explanation about killing the vampire.
SHE: He’s an old friend. She wants to believe him.
HE: I have old friends too, but none of them can slay vampires.

---

The Sunset Club

HE: Angel actually does kind of fit in at this club.
SHE: Especially since he bought the same clothes at the vampire store as that other dude.
Here’s a thought: vampire Garanimals.
HE: Don’t you mean, Grrr-animals? Lookit! This scene attacks all the stereotypes and preconceptions about vampires!
SHE: It’s kind of hoaky.
HE: These are the vampires that the teenagers are wanting to emulate? Not The Lost Boys?
SHE: You’re teenagers! Don’t you want to be cool and undead?
HE: Chanterelle at least is trying. She got poured into that dress.
SHE: And apparently vampires wear a lot of make-up.
HE: Angel can tell you that. There were a number of nifty one-liners in this scene. Xander had a couple: “Sure thing, Bossy the Cow.” And when tells Angel: “You really are a people person” after he crushes Chanterelle.
SHE: And Chanterelle’s all boo-hoo: “Other viewpoints than yours may be valid, you know.”
HE: She’s an idiot, but she still has feelings, Angel. You notice how Xander’s big mouth makes trouble on the way out?
SHE: Because they get noticed by the one dude.
HE: Why do they have him around?
SHE: He drives the plot wagon…over the cliff.

---

About Drusilla

HE: Giles faked interest in monster trucks to be with Jenny. I would never do that. That’s dishonest.
SHE: Yeah, I know. You like techno.
HE: That old saw. I like Jenny’s jacket. It’s cool.
SHE: Drusilla killed by an angry mob in Prague. Not true, of course.
HE: Where does Giles get his information? And someone tell that vampire that you have to check those out! You just can’t take the book and leave! A buzzer should have sounded, or something.
SHE: If I were Giles, I would have tackled the vampire and taken it back.
HE: You’re hardcore. That’s why I love you.

---

Ford and Spike

SHE: You ever notice how the minions are always vamped out?
HE: It’s like they’re too young and stupid to know better. They need someone to stand next to them and say, “Dude, you’re still vamped out.” Sort of like when someone says “Psst! XYZ!”
SHE: Maybe it’s a hormone thing. Like a teenage boy being excited all the time.
HE: If I were a vampire, I’d only vamp out for special occasions. Not because I was bored and there wasn’t anyone in the house.

HE: Spike’s voice starts shaking when he talks about Angel too long. He doesn’t like him much. They must have a history.
SHE: I detected that as well. He loves her, even when she makes him really, really, really mad.
HE: “The bird’s dead, Dru. You left it in a cage and you didn’t feed it and now it’s dead, just like the last one.” That’s harsh. On the other hand, Spike must get tired of visiting pet shops at night.

HE: I spy with my little eye: a douchebag! And his name is Ford!
SHE: I think Ford is pushy. I don’t like the way he takes over the scene and makes Spike say that stupid 30 seconds line.
HE: “I’ve known you for two minutes and I can’t stand you. I don’t feature you livin’ forever. Can I eat him now?” Why even ask, Spike? Just do it. We’ll all understand.
SHE: It’d make for a short episode, but we’d applaud.
HE: It’d be an interesting twist, and the advertisers certainly would go for it. I just couldn’t get a fix on him. When he was with Buffy initially, he seemed cool. Now he seems like a total dweeb. Later on he seems dark and brooding. My head’s spinning, Joss!

---

Angel and Buffy

SHE: Angel is so polite, asking to come in.
HE: Of course, he’s coming in through the back door. Was he out in the yard, spying on her again?
SHE: He probably saw the light on in the kitchen, and went around back.
HE: But they’ve got that fence in the back. He would have had to jump over it.
SHE: I really don’t remember the geography of their backyard. To be continued.

HE: Is it just me, or this is a tiresome exchange between Angel and Buffy? I got a little bored.
SHE: Yes, you would. They’re having a long, painful talk about their relationship, and you pull a guy.
HE: Angel loves to visit mental torture. Buffy really shouldn’t complain about anything he does, then. ‘Cause it could be worse! “I’m sorry I forgot your birthday. On the other hand, hey! at least I didn’t eviscerate your family, like I did that other girl’s!”
SHE: So he should get credit for the bad things he doesn’t do? That’s messed up.

---

Buffy Steps In

SHE: Easiest date-asking ever.
HE: Ford has the Riley haircut. Did you notice?
SHE: No. A proto-Riley, maybe. He actually reminds me of Parker.
HE: Another douchebag. Look! they’re having a teacher appreciation night! I’d be like, “Shit! Do I have to go?”
SHE: Yeah, you would say that.
HE: Show me some appreciation by leaving me alone.

HE: Xander and Willow are dressed like normal people! How often does that happen?
SHE: Never. Especially in the same scene.
HE: Everybody lies, says Ford. Sounds familiar.
SHE: Not an original concept. House says that.
HE: I can’t believe that with a body like that, Chanterelle feels the need to become one of the lonely ones.
SHE: It might be the make-up. She wears too much make-up.
HE: Does she actually think that vampires want that crap all over their fangs?
SHE: Lipstick really isn’t tasty.
HE: I heard on CSI that they used to make it with spermicetti.
SHE: Let’s not go there, shall we?

---

Sunset

HE: Buffy: “Spike and his friends pigging out at the all you can eat moron bar.”
SHE: This one had many great lines in it. I liked that one a lot.
HE: As outraged as he is, Buffy cannot get over Marvin’s outfit.
SHE: It’s disconcerting. She has to stop mid-rant. “Could you be wearing a dorkier outfit?”
HE: “…a demon sets up shop in your old house,” Oh, and by the way, vampires are big liars. She left out that part.
SHE: I was kind of amazed Angel didn’t tell them that before. Like they’ve got a sense of the social contract.
HE: Not followers of Rousseau. More like Hobbes or Machiavelli.
SHE: "Nasty, brutish, and short."
HE: Nice Leviathan reference.


HE: This brain cancer thing is a nifty twist on the bad guy cliché…Joss is just as good at the little shockers as he is the big ones.
SHE: I don’t feel sorry for him.
HE: You don’t feel sorry for a guy with terminal brain cancer?
SHE: Not in this respect, no.
HE: Hmm. I like how Buffy gets her existentialist on…we do have choices!
SHE: She doesn’t back down, either. She’s saddened, but she doesn’t compromise her position.

HE: A car screeching? Must be Spike!
SHE: He makes an effort to be timely, and that should be commended.
HE: Buffy: “This is not the mother ship!” No doubt, Buffy! Flashlight! Neon light! Spotlight!
SHE: Free your mind and your ass will follow?
HE: A-to-mic dog! Bow wow wow, yippee-yo, yippee-yay!

---

Take Them All!

SHE: Spike is very leaderly here.
HE: Hard not to be with that idiot crew of his. Buffy’s like, where do I start?
SHE: But she was cunning. She knew enough to go after Drusilla.
HE: Crappy wire work, guys! That leap looked bad, I’m afraid to say.
SHE: She didn’t quite make it to the top.

HE: At least you couldn’t see the wires. I understand that they were on a schedule and didn’t have a lot of time for retakes, but they should have made time for that one. I liked the ashtray line, though.
SHE: Drusilla doesn’t put up much of a fight here, being weak and all.
HE: Why did Spike bring her along, anyway? That was just dumb.
SHE: [imitating Drusilla’s accent] She wanted a treat.
HE: I love how she turns one-syllable words into two. Or possibly three. This is technically not a Spike-Buffy fight, I think. They didn’t actually engage each other.
SHE: Don’t put it on there. There wasn’t even a face-off. Blows were not exchanged, sweetie. Although she did win her fight with Ford.
HE: Yeah, whatever. Douchebags don’t get a sidebar widget.

---

Lie To Me

SHE: There’s no reward for Ford.
HE: So they buried Ford in Sunnydale. Convenient for Buffy.
SHE: She leaves flowers and sticks around to stake him. That’s a first.
HE: I still can’t believe that I didn’t recognize that vampire as Ford. So that means that Spike kept his word to him. I think that’s why I didn’t put it together. I would have just assumed that they wouldn’t have turned him.
SHE: Did you see them walk away from Ford’s grave, honey?
HE: No. I just can’t get over Spike keeping his word to somebody that annoyed him so much. I guess they got bored in the bomb shelter.
Maybe he thought it would really bother Buffy if her friend came back as a vampire.
Then it never should have happened at the end of the episode. Because Buffy would have needed time to react emotionally to the turning. I don’t think it’s a strong ending.
I’d just like to point out in Spike’s defense that he often keeps his word. You just don’t like Ford. In your world, you shouldn’t have to keep your word to a douchebag.
HE: Whoa! Where did that come from? I just thought when she went back to Club Dead and saw Ford’s body, that was it.
SHE: She was just fine with standing there outside his grave, waiting to stake him.
HE: Let him turn first, and then kill him? That’s kind of a moral cop-out. This episode ends on a very disturbing note.
SHE: This is Joss Whedon. Sometimes quirky things happen, and over the next few episodes, they start to make sense.
HE: “Nothing’s ever simple anymore,” Buffy says. And she’s saying this in Season 2. OMG.

Giles: Yes, it’s terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats. And we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies and everybody lives happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.



Next Time: The Dark Age.