Hellmouth Follies: Reptile Boy

Season Two, Episode Five
12/26/08

Merry Christmas! SHE is excited about getting a Kit-Kat clock for Christmas, while HE is thrilled about getting the fifth season of The A-Team, but wonders where he can pick up a decent copy of Jesus El Nino Dios. In this episode, we learn about the secret influence of the Illuminati in Sunnydale, what Buffy and Sisyphus have in common, and contemplate the perpetual humiliation of Xander.

A Quiet Evening?

HE: Bollywood movies on TV. I like their idea of fun. I wish we got those here.
SHE: I’m sure you can get them on Netflix. But why would you want to? Only one person out of the three got it.
HE: Oh honey. You don’t have to understand art to appreciate art. Xander haging out with the girls here, which is oddly appropriate.
SHE: Interesting he doesn’t turn out to be gay.
HE: I don’t think that was ever definitively established.

SHE: Run, girl, run! The cemetery is that close?
HE: It would have been hilarious if Callie would have climbed over the fence, and then the guys in the hoods would have ran through the open door right next to it.
SHE: Or even better, they all got killed by vampires lurking in the cemetery.
HE: Or by the Illuminati. Why is there a pyramid in this park?
SHE: Maybe it’s the Freemasons.

School Chat

SHE: I can’t believe Cordelia is studying this stuff.
HE: She’s thinking about her future. I think it’s commendable.
SHE: You would.
HE: I love Cordelia’s forced laughter. She has a classy look this episode.

HE: Speaking of horrible shirts!
SHE: I didn’t notice it. Maybe I’ve just become inured.
HE: That’s a horrible shirt. Puke green.
SHE: On second thought, it is horrible. I thought it was a jacket, which would be at least forgiveable.

HE: “You’ll go to college someday, Xander. I just know your pizza delivery career will take you so many exciting places.” That was an awesome burn, Cordelia!
SHE: He stops to get burned by Cordelia. He can never think of anything to say back.
HE: He gets the first strike in, but never the last. Cordelia’s friend sort of looks like Beth from News Radio. I love her.
SHE: There’s lots of women in TV land you love.
HE: But my heart belongs to you, baby.

HE: Why does Giles even try that shiznit with Buffy? He should just stick with Lecture-Fu.
SHE: That’s his strongest weapon.
HE: Destroying Buffy’s will to live with his talking. Meanwhile, Giles all, “We all have to do things we don’t like.”
SHE: Unfortunately, Buffy, you have to do them all the time. And death will be your only release.
HE: She’s the Sisyphus of Sunnydale!
SHE: Who’s Sisyphus again? You have to tell me, because I have a life.
HE: Har har. Sisyphus was that Greek guy who had to push the rock up the hill, only to have it roll down when he got near the top. Then he’d have to do it all over again. For eternity.
Well, that would suck.

A Party

HE: So Xander’s skipped 3 classes.
SHE: We can’t really wonder why he doesn’t get any brighter as the show goes on.

SHE: This part is unbelievable. Would college guys really want to hang out with high school girls?
HE: Are you serious?
SHE: They’re at the age where it really doesn’t matter?
HE: I think they’re portraying these frat guys as predators. I too think it’s a little creepy for college seniors to be trolling the high school looking for dates, but I can totally see it happening.
SHE: How often did you troll high schools when you were in college?

HE: That’s not relevant. What’s relevant is the giraffe pants Buffy is wearing. Also the fact that Richard appears to be wearing lipstick.
SHE: Maybe he just came from a gay bar.
HE: I also like Cordelia’s inappropriate laughter.
SHE: Again. Duly noted. HA HA HA HA HA!
HE: Hilarious.
SHE: Xander should take notes on how Tom woos Buffy.
HE: If that other guy wasn’t such a douchebag, I’d say it was good cop/bad cop. This is kind of an instructional video about being a wingman.

SHE: So Richard’s repelling Buffy towards Tom?
HE: Brilliant strategy. Then Giles comes in, all heavy-handed. He’s really being kind of a dick in this episode.
SHE: More reverse psychology.

Practice and Patrol

SHE: Why does Giles even bother with attacking her?
HE: What exactly is Giles teaching Buffy during these practice sessions? How to avoid breaking someone’s face? How to pull your punches?
SHE: Yeah, because she really doesn’t beat him up very badly.
HE: He’s teaching her self-restraint?
SHE: Kind of counter to the cause.

HE: Hello, it’s Angel! That counts as a sneak-up! She jumped and everything.
SHE: Count it!
HE: “I was just thinking…” You know, every time Buffy is “thinking,” it usually presages something really bad happening. You ever notice that?
SHE: Her being lost in thought is a catalyst?
HE: Exactly. It’s like she has this power that when focused, is deadly and overpowering, but is constantly being defused by stupid stuff and side issues.
SHE: And that’s when things go wrong.
HE: Right. Not only in this episode, or this season, but the whole series, I’d argue.
SHE: So Angel’s messing with her mind in this episode.
HE: Yepperoonie.

HE: “This isn’t a fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don’t wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.” That was pretty cool.
SHE: Intense. Then you paused it.
HE: I had to watch it again. Sorry about that.
SHE: I was in the moment until you “had to watch it again.”
HE: And then Buffy says, “When you kiss me, I want to die.” I love lines that give you pause, and don’t have all their meaning and layers immediately laid out for you.
SHE: Part of her wants to succumb, and it makes perfect sense.
HE: She’s warring with herself. There’s the French le petit mort, the little death, a euphemism for orgasm that this line seems to allude to, as well. Having one’s identity subsumed into someone else’s?
SHE: It’s all or nothing with teenagers. At certain moments, Buffy and Angel were very passionate.
HE: Except for the cookie dough metaphor. I can never forgive that goofery.

Party Invitation

HE: Cordelia looks great in that tank top and black bra.
SHE: Buffy curled her hair. It looks pretty.

HE: Whenever there’s an extended period of serious ritual, you know something humorous is a comin! “Brewski time!” And there it is!
SHE: Did you notice one of the brethren whistling as he was coming down the stairs?
HE: At least we didn’t hear a bong percolating.

The Bracelet

HE: Look! A card catalog! That’s so hot!
SHE: Made me feel a little weepy. I love a good card catalog.
HE: With actual cards.
SHE: Are kids allowed to jump on the counters at your library?
HE: I think our librarian would disintegrate them with her laser eyes.

HE: Look! Willow’s jeans have been bedazzled! There’s a flower embroidered on them!
SHE: I missed the bedazzled jeans!
HE: You really need to develop an eye for this sort of detail.
SHE: I usually catch the detail.
HE: No.

HE: Cordelia is doing Buffy a favor—teaching her how to be a wingman.
SHE: It’s commendable that she’s so straightforward with Buffy. She’s a real pedagogue.

HE: Another Cordelia classic coming up: “You could belong to a fraternity of rich and powerful men…in the Bizarro World.”
SHE: Burned again! Dang! You should be keeping track.

HE: “That’s not askew. That’s cockeyed.” Good one, Xander. If I were writing a poem about Xander, I think I’d call it, Xander’s Ballad of a Townie. Because it’s really quite sad.
SHE: But Willow’s a townie. And she doesn’t suffer the same mental setbacks.
HE: That’s because Willow, unlike Xander, is actually competent at a few things.
SHE: So Xander’s pretty much stuck in Sunnydale.
HE: There’s always the Army! But we get ahead of ourselves.

The Fraternity

HE: Here’s Cordy having a fender bender on the way in.
SHE: She never really masters driving. That’s something she and Buffy actually have in common.
HE: That’s right. Buffy is a bad driver, too.

SHE: I’ve never been to a frat party.
HE: Neither have I. Too bad Xander didn’t stay away. He never has much luck at these things.
SHE: He served no purpose at this party other than to entertain the frat guys.
HE: He advanced the plot wagon. Somebody had to tell Angel and Giles what was going on, and everyone else had been roofied.
SHE: He told Angel and Giles what they already knew. And he pointed out that the guys were wearing hoods. Wow, that was really the difference maker.
HE: I’m sure there was a good reason to make sure that Xander got humiliated. There has to be.

SHE: Xander failed in his mission. He didn’t find Buffy. Instead, he starts dancing and chatting up those girls.
HE: He had to tell them it might have been a cult.
SHE: Maybe the purpose was just to show where Xander existed in the social order.
HE: And to have him dress up like Rocky Horror.

A Missing Girl

HE: That frat guy is wearing a v-neck sweater and a t-shirt.
SHE: Very 90’s. I liked that look.
HE: And the douchebag is boasting about his Argentinian junk bonds that just matured into double digits…what the hell does that even mean? Somebody get Patrick Bateman or Gordon Gecko or somebody to explain this to me.
SHE: I don't know who any of those people are.

Buffy in Trouble

HE: Buffy was roofied before roofies were cool.
SHE: Roofies were never cool. As Xander is being kicked out, he finally remembers Buffy. His whole reason for being there.
HE: In Xander’s defense (and I can’t believe I’m mouthing those words), that party was a lot more coolness than he was used to. Maybe he just couldn’t handle it.
SHE: He got distracted. I can’t believe you’re defending Xander.
HE: Compared to other behaviors in this episode, his isn’t really that bad. Look at Buffy. You just got slipped a mickey, so what do you do? Wander upstairs to a vacant bedroom. Ingenious!
SHE: She just wanted to lie down. And everyone knows once you’ve been mickied, you’re not going to be shrewd in all your decisions.
HE: Boy, do I know that.

HE: Those paisley bedcovers belong in a hotel. I know, because I used to work at one.
SHE: The room looks way too nice. I know, because I’ve seen college rooms.

HE: Snap! Tom Warner is not a gentleman!
SHE: He seems sinister now. Plus his chest looks disgusting.
HE: I remember that fad. Only it was branding, and not…
SHE: Carving? Eww!

Talking to Angel

HE: How does Angel shave? It is difficult, but possible, to shave without a mirror.
SHE: How many band-aids do you need at the end?
HE: Depends. Are you using a regular razor, or one of those big-ass Sweeney Todd blades?
HE: Machida…isn’t he the guy that makes the spoons and plates and knives?

SHE: Actually it’s Mikita. Maybe that’s why our economy is in the dumper. These guys were stopped from making their offerings.
HE: I heard that a virgin girl is worth 300 points on the Dow. At least they’re properly humble around Machida. They attribute all their success to him.
SHE: It’s the appropriate way to worship.
HE: You so seldom see that nowadays with demon worship. You make the sacrifice, get the bounty, and then prance about like it was all your doing.

Calling Machida

HE: Not one of Cordelia’s better moments.
SHE: Even the victim on the left is tired of Cordelia’s idiocy.

SHE: Why can’t Buffy get out of this already?
HE: Buffy—get some leverage against the wall and push, girl! Don’t just shake the chains!
SHE: It’s like she forgot all her training.
HE: Giles needs to prepare her for situations like these. obviously. Since they tend to be the ones she finds herself in on regular occasions.
SHE: He could turn the library into a S&M chamber.
HE: I’m shocked. And strangely intrigued.

HE: Xander snuck up on Angel. Crazy.
SHE: Night is day. Dogs and cats, living together! But he finally turns out to be useful, because as you pointed out, he gives the group valuable information and they all lock elbows and go in to fight the bad guys.
HE: Very funny, you. I want to know why they threw away that robe. Was there something wrong with it?
SHE: Maybe it had blood stains.
HE: Or some manner of stains, anyway.
SHE: Yuck.
HE: Big deal. You dry clean it.
SHE: These guys are so wealthy, they can afford to throw it out and buy a new one.

HE: “With Buffy!” That sort of came out of nowhere.
SHE: Angel vamps out because he loves his honey!
HE: In these early shows, however, it doesn’t take much for Angel and Spike to vamp out.
SHE: He went from zero to enraged in half a second. It was exciting.
HE: It lacked depth and nuance.
SHE: You lack depth and nuance.
HE: Take that back.

Fighting for Life

HE: Buffy saves Cordy yet again. And out of all the saves, this one has to be the most irritating so far.
SHE: The situation was all her fault.

HE: Willow: “Some guy’s attacking Buffy with a sword. Also, there’s a big snake!” It’s the “also” that makes it hilarious.
SHE: Willow is quite helpful in this episode.
HE: When she’s not running interference for Buffy and putting her in danger as a result.
SHE: Buffy put herself in danger. Willow let the others know where she was.
HE: Not initially. Willow is an enabler.
SHE: When you’re a teenager, that translates to ‘really good friend.’
HE: Point taken, unfortunately.

HE: “Let her go, Wormy.” Is it just me, or was Wormy, a.k.a. Machida, kind of a wuss?
SHE: He was easily slayed. It didn’t take much at all.

HE: Cordelia: “You guys…I just hate you guys. The weirdest things just happen when you’re around.”
SHE: That’s classic. Through thick and thin, she blames them.
HE: She hugs Angel, and avoids thanking Buffy, who did the saving.

A Lesson Learned

HE: What lesson was learned in this episode?
SHE: The rich really are different. That’s what I took away from it.
HE: I learned that making stupid decisions ultimately comes with no repercussions.
SHE: If you went to a frat party, the snake would have eaten you.
HE: What if I had gone to a sorority party?
SHE: The coven would have sacrificed you.
HE: That’s hot.

HE: There goes Jonathan, serving Cordelia. Someone’s happy Cordelia didn’t get eaten by a giant snake.
SHE: She lets Jonathan think he has a chance if he gets her order right.
HE: You mean cinnamon chocolate half caf, half fat, extra foam? I would have got it right.
SHE: Good for you.

SHE: I wrote dialogue that would fit the ending to this episode perfectly.
HE: About how Angel is now wearing lipstick?
SHE: No. Here it goes:

YOU: So I hear this kitchen bakes really good cookies. Maybe you could make some sometime and I could eat them.
ME: Yeah. Sometime. I’ll let you know…

What? You didn’t like it? You’re like, where’s Cordelia? I’m a character in the show now. I’ve got to go find her!
HE: No, I was just stunned at how disconcerting your ending was. That character, i.e. me, should definitely have gotten to eat those delicious cookies.
SHE: Well, now you know how Angel felt when she walked away from him.
HE: Damn. You two are diabolical.