Season Two, Episode One
10/25/08
HE is just relieved to be away from high school students. SHE can’t stop chanting, “Season Two! Season Two!” It’s the stuff star-crossed romances are made of! In this episode, we learn what Buffy did during the summer, what Angel, the epitome of cool, has in common with another TV legend, and the trickiness of Latin-Sumerian translations.
Boring Summer
HE: Here’s the beginning of the season premiere exposition ritual called, “So what did you do over the summer?” Joss Whedon is pretty inventive, but I think there’s some ones he hasn’t tried, don’t you? Like perhaps, I had interned for Howard Stern.
SHE: Went to Tibet to learn rug-weaving.
HE: Did a guest spot on Entourage.
SHE: Toured a coffin factory. Got a free pillow.
HE: And the winner? She spent it with her dad. BOR-ING!
SHE: I never noticed the spooky person standing there in the cemetery.
HE: That was a statue.
SHE: Looked spooky to me.
HE: “Last season on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Dang, a lot of stuff happened last season.
SHE: And yet they wrapped it up in less than twenty seconds.
HE: The plinky piano music, the soft light, the almost kiss…cue vampire! Cue Xander almost dying! Cue Buffy’s rescue!
SHE: Buffy looks so perky.
HE: It’s hard to pull that off the first time around, let alone after you’ve died once.
SHE: Every time you die, you come back a little less perky.
HE: If that’s the case, the Hindus are in serious trouble.
Back to School
HE: Holy cow, those are hideous shoes.
SHE: But she’ll make them look fabulous.
HE: No, she won’t. Nobody will.
HE: “Can you have too much character?” Cordelia asks.
SHE: You can be too much of a character.
HE: Good one, Mr. Wolf.
SHE: Oh look, Principal Snyder is talking.
HE: I like how he compares teenagers to locusts.
SHE: I like how Giles and Calendar play out the scene he’s describing behind him, and then ditch him.
HE: “You’re the watcher. I just work here.”
SHE: That’s kind of new.
HE: Don’t forget to punch your timecard, Buffy.
I’m Ready
HE: Video montage! Geez, Giles, wear pads next time! He’s been punched out by her, so he should know better.
SHE: One would think.
HE: I wonder if that practice dummy will come out of the library budget.
SHE: You can’t bill that to the school!
HE: Maybe they stole it from the gymnasium and they’ll put it back later.
A New Danger
HE: Sweet Jesus, another freaking speech-a-thon. Someone kill this vampire, quickly.
SHE: This guy? I hate this guy!
HE: This is a new guy.
SHE: No, he’s not. He’s Luke from last year.
HE: You're right. He’s even got the Maltese neck pendant thing going. Ponce.
SHE: That Anointed Kid bothers me.
HE: I’ve never wanted to slap a child more than that kid.
SHE: He draws it out of you. You see him, and you just want to waylay.
Weird Dreams
SHE: Let’s psychoanalyze this dream. It’s obvious she blames Giles for what happened. And her friends are mere observers in the whole thing, and they either won’t or can’t help.
HE: And what are Willow and Xander eating? Fruit. The fruit of her labors.
SHE: What?! I didn’t know she was working part-time in an apple orchard.
HE: I was just geeking out about how cool Giles is when he’s being a bad-ass. Even in Season Two.
SHE: She wakes up and Angel’s sitting there. How creepy is that?
HE: She’s rather nonplussed by now. She manages a pretty good jab: “What is it for you? Lunch hour?”
HE: Angel says the Anointed One has been gathering forces. I hear he’s been over to Chucky Cheese for recruits.
SHE: He’s giving them free tokens.
HE: For 800 tickets you can get a free Gnarl demon.
HE: Buffy turns over. I guess Angel can let himself out. The window.
SHE: He’s like the Fonz! He even has dark hair and wears a leather jacket.
HE: Coincidence? I don’t think so! He puts the “aaaaaaaaaaay” in Angel.
“What’s Up With Her?”
SHE: Buffy looks great in those sunglasses.
HE: But sweet sassy molassy! That’s a high waistline on those green pants.
SHE: Back in the day…
HE: Great. Not another “back in the day” moment.
SHE: Okay, fine. But you have to admit Xander’s shirt is fugly!
HE: At least it doesn’t have a bunny on it this time. Will I sound too metro if I say I love Cordelia’s top in this scene?
SHE: No.
HE: Because you’re assuming I’m talking about her chest?
SHE: Yes.
HE: Hey! Cibo Matto is going to be at the Bronze tonight! At least that’s what both Xander and the poster on the wall say! Think Joss is plugging the band?
SHE: In case you’re wondering what music this is, here’s the band again! Cibo Matto!
HE: Did I mention Cibo Matto is in this episode? All joking aside, I have to say I don’t hate them.
Advice from Cordelia
HE: What do you make of these Cibo Matto lyrics? “The velocity of time turns her voice into sugar water…” WTF?
SHE: I think it’s cool. “The buildings are changing into coconut trees.” Everyone in California smokes the doobie.
HE: I believe they're from Japan.
SHE: I assure you that doobies are still in play.
HE: Buffy is mean! This sexy dance Buffy does is simply beyond the pale.SHE: You didn’t enjoy it?
HE: Oh, I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I hope Xander is thinking about the “Where’s the Beef?” lady or something.
SHE: Xander can’t dance, but at least that shirt doesn’t suck.
HE: “Get over it.” Excellent advice, Cordelia!
SHE: It’s actually quite profound. Too bad she gets kidnapped right afterward.
Buffy’s Issues
HE: Oh good grief! The vampires didn’t even clean up after themselves. How rude!
SHE: Was she going to the grave to deal with her issues? Dance on it, or something?
HE: I think Buffy has post-traumatic stress disorder.
SHE: What are the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder?
HE: Irritability, flashbacks, insomnia, jumpiness…
SHE: It’s kind of rare she gets angry with everyone in the scene.
HE: PTSD, I’m telling you.
HE: “Some of us have class. Some of us have jobs.” Principal Snyder lets off some good ones in this episode.
SHE: I bet you have to scurry back to the classroom because you’re always chatting it up from the kids.
HE: No, I’m the one who says, “Have a good vacation. Out you go!”
Showdown with Angel
HE: Ooh, Latin…such an exotic language, Giles! Oh come on! It’s the Helvetica of spooky languages.
SHE: Does she suggest a fight to the death with Angel?
HE: Here’s some foreshadowing! Because they will fight later in the season.
SHE: I love the argument they’re having. Doesn’t he wonder about whether he could take her in a fight? When she finally does fight him, she’s reluctant, but he isn’t anymore. The tables have turned.HE: What I want to know is why she is so concerned about the others’ safety. As I recall, the only one to die last season was her. And that Jesse guy.
SHE: And everyone snuck up on her. Six times.
HE: She should at least be grateful, because if anything, the Scoobies can be like those canaries you send down in the mineshaft.
SHE: She didn’t do that last season. And I don’t think they offered, either.
HE: I’m just saying she could. Like with Xander, for instance. I’m just saying.
A Trap
HE: A retranslation from Sumerian, I see. It must have been a syntactically bad passage. I was wondering why Latin was giving him problems, of all things.
SHE: I see someone didn’t consult their Latin-Sumerian dictionary!
HE: Ancient scholars, my ass.
HE: So how did the bad guys know Buffy would run off? That seemed to be an integral part of their plan.
SHE: It worked out nicely for them. Maybe they were back in the stacks waiting for her to leave.
Interrupted Ritual
SHE: Check out Buffy with the torture. And this is ten years before Abu Ghraib.
HE: Can you waterboard a vampire?
SHE: They can survive under water.
HE: Well, you can still force them into a naked human pyramid. What? Too soon?
HE: Why doesn’t Angel or Buffy just grab the skull and start playing keepaway with it?
SHE: Sure! Yeah, you can bring him back. He’ll just be headless.
HE: They’re all like, blah blah blah, save the hostages, blah blah blah. Although Angel’s taking his time with that one vampire.
Over?
HE: Smash it! Smash it! Smash! Crash! Smash-crash!
SHE: She’s so upset. I feel so sorry for her.
HE: There are very few pains in this world that a sledgehammer can’t solve.
SHE: I don’t understand why Giles didn’t smash up the bones in the first place.
HE: Yeah! Or at least bury it in separate, secret locations.
SHE: I guess a neon sign saying “HERE LIES THE MASTER” would have been too obvious.
Saved You a Seat
HE: What is that horrible thing Calendar is wearing around her neck?
SHE: That necklace looks like it belongs to Flo from Alice.
HE: Kiss my grits, Giles.
HE: Saved you a seat? Apparently no assigned seating from Mr. Cox.
SHE: Do you always have assigned seats?
HE: Damn straight I do. Cuts down on the chatter. Now if it could only do something about this goofy Steve Winwoody music.
SHE: It reminds me of the theme from Baywatch.
SHE: There’s that kid, if you want to smack him before the show ends.
HE: I wonder if he knows that Cibo Matto is playing at the Bronze.
SHE: “I hate that girl.” That’s a good line.
HE: Probably the only non-annoying thing the Anointed One says in his pathetic little life.
Next time: Season Two continues with “Some Assembly Required.”
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