Angel

“Angel”
8/22/08

In this episode, Angel and Buffy kiss for the first time, Angel reveals his big secret, and the Renaissance Faire comes to Sunnydale. Also, the Master runs out of ideas.

The Master’s Next Move

HE: Here’s that idiot kid Collin throwing pebbles in the Master’s pool…what’s that all about?
SHE: Creepy kid!
HE: I hate him. “I’d annihilate her.” Geez, annihilate the slayer. How innovative! Why didn’t they think of that before?

SHE: Nice misdirection here. Watch the human three run away from the other three! Look, three tough guys! No no, it’s this other three!
HE: The three look like they belong in the Renaissance Faire.
SHE: Prithee, watchest how I slay yonder vampire with my poleaxe!
HE: Heh heh. You said “pole.”

Prithee, watchest how I slay yonder vampire with my poleaxe!


HE: Xander’s dancing looks like an epileptic fit. Like Elaine Benes.
SHE: Only better. No, more sugar induced.
HE: On the other hand, Cordelia does look like a hooker in that dress.
SHE: You like the dress, don’t you, sweetie?
HE: You think she’s expensive?

---

Guardian Angel

SHE: Nice kick. Running is a sign that the fight is going badly.
HE: I like the Knight Rider chase music in this scene. Very Tangerine Dream.
SHE: He leaves that behind, doesn’t he? In the later episodes, the music changes.
HE: It shows its age.


HE: The knowing wink, the nod…oh Joyce!
SHE: Doesn’t Buffy ever worry when her mother isn’t home?
HE: She’s the slayer. She thinks she’s invulnerable.
SHE: The slayer’s mother is invulnerable?
HE: Oh, I thought you meant worried her mother was going to barge in. But in both cases, apparently no.

---

Roommates

SHE: Angel’s eager to get up those stairs.
HE: He doesn’t waste any time. Buffy tells him to turn his back while she changes…Angel is no Xander!
SHE: I’m a little surprised she doesn’t have a beauty regimen before bed.
HE: That is curious. I knew a girl in summer camp I swear she must have hung like a bat at night her hair was so big.
SHE: It’s called Aquanet, babe.


SHE: “Wake up and smell the seduction.” Hee hee.
HE: You like that line?
SHE: It’s true, you can smell sex.
HE: Thank you for that. She was accosted by “three unusually virile vampires,” as Giles put it.
SHE: That was kind of yucky.

---

The Three

SHE: Another misdirection. We think he’s maybe not going to kill the three. But he is.
HE: Well, with power comes responsibility. Just like Spiderman. How do you think Spiderman would do in a fight with the Master?
SHE: He’d win. The Spiderman would just shoot him with the web. Done and done.

---

Advanced Training

SHE: It gets sad watching Giles get beat up all the time.
HE: I like how dismissive Buffy is toward his fighting skills. “I’m not going to need pads to fight you,” she says. And she’s not going to be fighting Friar Tuck. Say, who do you think would win in a fight, Spiderman or Friar Tuck?
SHE: Again, I’m going to go with Spiderman. Who would win in a fight between Spiderman and Giles?
HE: I believe Spiderman would lock Giles up in the library cage. Along with a note that said “Courtesy of your Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman.”

---

The Demon Lover

HE: They kiss! And Angel vamps out! It HAS been a long time.
SHE: How much older? Stop kissing and tell me!
HE: What did you think about the kissing?
SHE: Made me want to do some kissing.
HE: That can be arranged. Who do you think would win in a kiss contest, Angel or Spiderman?
SHE: I think the mask is a disadvantage.

---

Like One of Them

SHE: I hate it when Xander explains things.
HE: At least it takes attention away from his ugly-ass shirt.
SHE: We need to get a scorecard. How many has it been now?
HE: Too many to count. I think he made this one of a curtain. A ugly-ass curtain. What did you think about Cordelia’s Todd Oldham dress?
SHE: Not really into polka dot anything. I kind of like it when Cordelia gives people a hard time.
HE: I also like it when Cordelia gives people a hard time.
SHE: Of course you do.

HE: It looks like Angel is staying at the Ramada.
SHE: Nice pad. A little cementy for my tastes.
HE: Darla does not look bad in the Catholic school girl uniform, I must say.

SHE: Plus she really knows how to frame an argument. Very persuasive. And distracting.
HE: It’s a classic. I love her raspy voice.
SHE: Did you notice that Darla speaks with a lisp when she vamps out?
HE: You’d think she’d have gotten used to those fangs in 400 years.

---

Angelus

HE: Giles says Angel is a “vicious, violent animal.” Harsh.
SHE: I have a feeling Giles says that about all the vampires.
HE: Yeah, he’s kind of a bigot.

---

Darla’s Plan

I’ve got nothing. You have a go at it.


HE: So the plan is to get Angel to kill Buffy and come back to the fold?
SHE: I’m not sure how well thought-out this plan is. That’s asking a lot.
HE: I’m guessing the Master is really out of ideas at this point, since he’s letting his minions have a crack at it. He probably said, “I’ve got nothing. You have a go at it.”

HE: How come Buffy didn’t sense Darla in the library? She’s usually very good at that kind of thing.
SHE: She’s distracted. You know, Darla looks through a lot of windows in this episode.
HE: She’s a peeping demon.

---

Invitation to a Vampire

HE: “It’s very nice of you to invite me into your home” Nice delivery on that line.
SHE: Very fraught with verbal irony. Do you catch that, honey?
HE: Yes, I did pick up on that.

---

To Kill an Angel

HE: “Boy, the teachers really do care in this town.” Shut up, Joyce!
SHE: Her character has the dumbest lines.
HE: Think Joss is trying to make us want to smack her silly? I sure do feel like it whenever she opens her gob.
SHE: Why don’t you visit hospitals? You’re a teacher.
HE: Why would I want to do that? I don’t like people.

---

Two-Gun Vampire

HE: Here’s Joyce making with the dopey again. “That school is amazing”
SHE: Wahn wahn wahn waaaaahn.
HE: My god, woman, shut up!

SHE: Not the last time Buffy and Angel go at it in the arena.
HE: “Let’s get it done,” says Angel. Rock on!
SHE: Wouldn’t the fumigation be overpowering?
HE: Well, she’s superhuman, and he doesn’t breathe. You know, this reminds me of the way we fight, what with the crossbows and the punching…
SHE: …then I run you through with a sword…
HE: Good times.


HE: Clearly Angel’s got some serious self-image problems.
SHE: It’s fun to remember for the first time his story about his origins. We’ve seen it over and over, but he never explained it until the seventh episode.
HE: By the way, Buffy, don’t mess with the GYPSIES!
SHE: Heck yeah. They’ll turn you into a sad sack.

HE: Ooh la la, how many skirts does Darla have? Hooray! This one’s red!
SHE: I wish I understood your fixation with that.
HE: If you have to ask, you’ll never know.

SHE: How many guns actually show up in the Buffy series?
HE: Seen or used?
SHE: Used.
HE: Not many. And never again for this duration, I think. Darla really goes to town.
SHE: That’s for sure. “Buffy, it wasn’t Angel who attacked your mom…” “Sorry! Can’t hear you over all the gunfire!”
HE: Definitely an argument for a seven-day waiting period.

SHE: Here Angel stakes Darla. I forgot she got taken out so early.
HE: And she does the hurt double-take: “Angel?” Like it’s such a shocker.
SHE: They were together for generations, though. Oh well. Darla is ded.
HE: For now.

---

Walk Away…

HE: Look, the Master is all smashy. He’s upset!
SHE: At least he still has the creepy kid.
HE: Ah, look at Collin lead the Master away…it’s like The Courtship of Eddie’s father.
People let me tell you bout my best friend…

HE: Uh oh. She burned him with her crucifix! Didn’t they know it was there?
SHE: There was no smoke.
HE: A smokeless crucifix?
SHE: Dammit, the Japanese beat us again!

Next time: I Robot...You Jane

P.S. a bonus Spike scene from Angel. Hilarious.

The Pack

“The Pack”
8/9/08

In this episode, Xander heeds the call of the wild, gets his glower on, and becomes the second person to sneak up on Buffy twice. You go!

The Hyena’s Call

SHE: Nice barrier to keep the people out of the quarantine.
HE: It says “positively” no admittance. Don’t think they’re not serious!
SHE: Don’t question the zoo’s sincerity.

HE: Nice rainbow on Xander’s sweater. This is consistent with my theory about Xander’s sexuality.
SHE: Oh yes, because he’s a Rainbow Boy.
HE: He’s not too Rainbow Bright, though.

SHE: You know what Xander’s thinking, looking at those hyenas?
HE: What?
SHE: Those hyenas flashed their brights at me!


He's not too Rainbow Bright.
SHE: Scary Xander is kind of sexy.
HE: Brings Vampire Xander of “The Wish” to mind.
SHE: Wait! We haven’t had the opening credits yet? I thought the credits were ages ago.
HE: It was an unusually long opening. They should have had an episode that was entirely pre-opening credits. Then show the opening credits, and then BOOM! closing credits. Grr. Arrgh.

---

A New Xander

SHE: I think Joss should have left Xander possessed for seven seasons.
HE: You can only have so many bad boys on one show. He’s like a foil to Buffy, an impotent male—
SHE: Heh. You said impotent.
HE: —to her potent female. What are you, eight?

HE: Apparently girls like it when guys look them up and down. Is that true?
SHE: Umm, I’ve never noticed a man looking me up and down except for you.
HE: Well, I am mean and dangerous. Why are you laughing?
SHE: You’re so cute.

HE: Look at the size of that croissant!
SHE: They look yummy
HE: Everything was bigger in the 90’s
SHE: Everything tasted better.

Xander: [Laughs at the rest of the pack making fun of an overweight student. Looks at a horrified Buffy.] Kid’s fat.

HE: Best moment of the episode, in my opinion.
SHE: That was pretty funny.
HE: It’s the way he says it. Like…duh.

---

The Mascot

HE: Herbert the Pig goes through a lot in this scene.

SHE: That pig is a good actor.
HE: He really had screen presence.
SHE: I was feeling his fear.
HE: I was feeling his shame.
SHE: Xander’s normal shame, or the pig’s shame?
HE: The pig, actually.

---

Dodge Ball

SHE: I tried to get out as soon as possible during dodgeball.
HE: I never got hit, but someone always managed to catch my dodgeball when I threw.
SHE: I’d always get hit, and the teacher always tried to act upset when the kid standing two feet away got waylaid by the ball.
HE: One time I got hit so hard it turned one side of my face brick red. The other side was pale. I looked like Hel, the Finnish god.
SHE: Really?
HE: You have no idea who that is. Some of these guys were cheating.

SHE: I noticed that too. That and their gym class lasted about 20 seconds.
HE: I saw one who didn’t sit down when dude caught the ball.
SHE: Shame!
HE: What did you think when Xander tagged Willow?
SHE: I think Willow had every right to stomp off mad. She knows she’s being abused.
HE: I think she’s being a baby. It’s dodgeball!
SHE: She knows something’s wrong with Xander. The fact that Xander threw the ball at her hard proves it.
HE: But’s it’s dodgeball!

HE: So they turn on Lance! Who’s on their team.
SHE: I don’t think they really understood the rules of dodgeball.

---

Let’s Do Lunch

Xander [to Willow]: I won’t have to look at your pasty face again!

SHE: Whitey to whitey, I find her complexion very nice.
HE: Later on though, they make her wear a bronzer.
SHE: Is that related to the clothes thing? They had to make her more fashionable?
HE: I don’t know. That’s your axe to grind.
SHE: It’s not my axe, I just notice.

---

Something Weird

Did he learn that in hyena school?

HE: I know it’s a stale gimmick, but I love the slow-mo shot of the pack coming up over the stairs.
SHE: Ah, the walk. It’s a classic.
HE: I can’t think where else I’ve seen it. They did it in Old School, but that came a lot later. Did you notice they’re all dressing in black and dark colors?
SHE: He decides to be cool, and therefore also to dress cool. Did he learn that in Hyena School?
HE: When they weren’t teaching geometry?
SHE: He took People Calling.
HE: Probably Advanced Fear Smelling.
SHE: Introductory Preying on the Weak.
HE: Comparative Taunting?

HE: There is a good selection of songs in this episode. They really help set the mood. It reminds me of The Faculty.

SHE: Did I see The Faculty?
HE: It was the one where it turns out all the high school teachers are evil monsters. Sound familiar?
SHE: No.
HE: Then I’m guessing you didn’t see it.

HE: What is a dode patrol?
SHE: I don’t know. I was wondering that, too.
HE: Urban Dictionary, here I come!

[Editor's note: Yikes!]

SHE: Do principals usually bawl out students in clumps?
HE: The smart ones don’t. And never by themselves. Think of it as interviewing suspects. You want to interview them separately in order to—
SHE: Suss out what happened?
HE: That’s right, Spike.

---

Animal Possession

HE: Giles says that only the most predatory are of interest to animals. That’s an intriguing statement.
SHE: They teased with the picture. I wanted to see the picture.

HE: The picture of what?
SHE: What happens if they don’t repossess the people. I don’t know. Transpossess.
HE: It was probably just another Gustave Dore drawing.
SHE: Just another Dore drawing. Ho hum.

---

Dangerous & Mean

SHE: Are you keeping score? Xander sneaks up on Buffy again.
HE: Check the counter to the right. Good thing Xander isn’t dangerous.

Xander: You like your men dangerous. Dangerous and mean.

SHE: That’s unfair. We don’t know yet that Angel is mean.
HE: Based on his current activity level, we don’t even know he’s dangerous.
SHE: Odd that he would say that.
HE: Getting ahead of yourself, Xander.

SHE: The more I scare you, the better you smell, says Xander.
HE: Urine smells good to him?
SHE: Boo! I was thinking sweat.


HE: You really have to feel sorry for Flutie when he gets eaten. He’s so clueless.
SHE: It was really kind of unfair. It’s the second faculty person to have died at Sunnydale High.

HE: There’s the science teacher, Dr. Gregory, the one that Buffy liked. I wonder if they riffed his position.
SHE: It was science!
HE: So?

---

Looking For a Cure

HE: If Xander ripped through the pig cage, why should the library cage hold him?
SHE: I’m not really sure why there would be a cage in the library in the first place.

HE: Maybe they keep their private collection there. Like a secret library stash. I know how you guys are.

---

Help Me…

HE: Hyena Xander is even more high-strung than regular Xander.
SHE: Poor Willow. Stay alert, stay alive!
HE: So they will track the missing member of their pack? Why aren’t they already at the library? Oh, here they are.
SHE: Cool jump through the window.
HE: The hyenas scream like monkies. They shredded that cage. Do they reinforce it later in the series? A lot of dangerous people got locked up in there.
SHE: Ooh, we should do a cage count.
HE: Okay, Xander’s the first.

---

Prey of the Pack

Buffy: They’re tough, but they’re getting stupider.

HE: They’re not the only ones.
SHE: There’s a lot of words she could have used instead. Like ignoranter.
HE: Gullibiler.
SHE: If hyenas were part dog, couldn’t Buffy have just used a red rubber ball?
HE: Only if it were attached to a fishing pole with a toy mouse. They’re also part cat.
SHE: You could put catnip in the red rubber ball.
HE: You are a criminal mastermind.

If hyenas were part dog, couldn't Buffy have just used a red rubber ball?

HE: “Of course, Masai ceremonial garb.” Come on, come on…put it together, Giles.
SHE: If Giles gets knocked out again, I think I get BINGO. Didn’t Amy’s mom knock him out, too? Isn’t this knockout #2 for Tweedster?

---

PredatoryActs

HE: Oh I get it now…the bullies at the beginning were a predatory act and they bogarded the zookeeper’s Hyena spell.
SHE: That’s how it happened. So does Willow offer her wrists to anyone who wants to tie her up?
HE: She’s a lot gullibiler than your average high school student.

---

The Superior Xander

HE: Xander ate a pig, a raw pig. That’s a tough one to get over.
SHE: I think Xander is faking not remembering, and yes! he is.

HE: I want to know what the heck kind of hat is Buffy wearing. Is she on her way to a liquor store holdup?
SHE: I thought she had turned into a cat burglar.

HE: “Your secret dies with me,” says Giles. I wish that shirt would die with you, Xander.
SHE: Why would Giles choose to keep a secret for Xander?
HE: I think that Giles would probably just groan or roll his eyes and walk away from him.

Next time: “Angel”

World Debut of "Angel"

A shiny, shiny day!

2 junior Hellmouthers, Susie Jones, 6, and Bob Cutler, 4, worked with Ghost Dogg to produce the following tribute video to a scene from from the 1st Season episode of BtVS "Angel." This also happens to be the duo's debut Internet performance.

Enjoy!

Never Kill a Boy On the First Date

In "Never Kill a Boy On the First Date" Buffy balances fighting the forces of darkness with her interest in sensitive Owen. In this episode we learn about effective classroom sarcasm, successful bus driving techniques, and moobies.

8/5/08

A Time of Crisis

HE: Giles says Buffy’s execution is “adequate.” That she should “plunge and move on.”
SHE: She never does that in the entire series.
HE: Buffy from “The Wish” did. She was kind of joyless, though.
SHE: No joie de slay.

SHE: I love rings. Is this church?
HE: Okay, the vamp leaves behind a ring. Usually the vampire’s stuff poofs, too.
SHE: Maybe they don’t usually bother to go through the vampire’s stuff.
HE: This whole thing troubles me. What poofs and what doesn’t? What are the rules? Does it have to belong to the vampire?
SHE: Metal stuff doesn’t poof.
HE: Yes it does. Belt buckles. Earrings. Jewelry. Sometimes even weapons.
SHE: Do fillings poof?
HE: Maybe it poofs if it belonged to the vampire. But what if a vampire borrowed a sweater?
SHE: Poof!
HE: What if a vampire got staked in a car he owned?
SHE: Is he wearing the car?


HE: Man, the Master likes to read.
SHE: He’s really wasting his breath on those yuck-yucks. It’s like he sired a bunch of yokels from Appalachia to be his minions.

He's really wasting his breath on those yuck-yucks.
HE: “As it is written, so shall it be.”
SHE: Enough already.
HE: “Here endeth the lesson.” Say, Buffy says that in Season 7 when she’s speechifying all over the place.
SHE: Oh, that was a lesson. Wasn’t church after all.

---

Owen

SHE: I love that dress and she wears it well.
HE: The green and white number?
SHE: Mm-hmm.


HE: So Owen Thurman reads Emily Dickinson? Where is it, he asks. How about look under D for dumbass?
SHE: We’re supposed to believe he’s a scholar and he can’t find Dickinson in the library?
HE: Did you know you can sing her poetry to the Theme from Gilligan’s Island?
SHE: Sweetie, I think you can sing half of the canon to Gilligan’s Island. Solitary, mysterious. Sounds like you, honey.

HE: What did you think about Cordelia cutting Buffy off in the cafeteria?
SHE: Man, she just won’t let it go. She has goals.
HE: “Cordelia’s hips are wider than I thought!” I’ll have to remember that one.
SHE: That was a good one.
HE: I love it when they’re catty with each other.

---

A Violent Prophecy

HE: The Advent of Septus. Do you have to buy gifts for that one?
SHE: I didn’t know seven even had a holiday. No one told me.
HE: When I first heard it, I thought he said sepsis.
SHE: I didn’t know horrible medical conditions had a holiday either.
HE: I’m just hoping there’s no Advent of Septic.

HE: “The dark forces are aligning against us!” Whoa, calm down there, Giles!
SHE: Oh, that’s old hat. Dark forces are always aligning themselves against them.
HE: You’d think they’d be pretty much parallel by now.

SHE: Ooh! Tiger coat!
HE: I think that coat is gr-r-r-r-reat! Get it?
SHE: Mmm.
HE: You know, Tony the Tiger?
SHE: Funnyman, making with the jokes.

---

Five Shall Die

HE: I like the misdirection in this scene. We’re led to think bible-quoting man—Borba—is the Big Nasty in this episode. What kind of name is Borba, anyway?
SHE: I’m telling you—Foothills of Tennessee or Kentucky. One of those made-up names.
HE: Actually, I don’t think his name is ever mentioned. I think we only read it on the subtitles.
SHE: They say it. Giles says it. This guy Borba was wanted for double homicide. And for standing up on the bus.
HE: Oh yeah. I wonder how I missed that.
SHE: Maybe if you weren’t so busy thinking up your next joke.

---

Another Chance

SHE: Cordelia is still working it. Even though she got dissed at lunch.
HE: Owen is tall! Or Cordelia is short.
SHE: When he looks at Angel, he doesn’t look down.
HE: It’s so hard to tell how tall people are on TV.
SHE: Sylvester Stallone is only five feet tall.
HE: And Tom Cruise is only three feet tall.

HE: Pale horse, judgment bringing fire, sin is a liquid all around…this is like one of those guys who walk around downtown with the handwritten “HOMO SEX IS SIN” signs and pass out the hate pamphlets with all the misspellings. And they never shut up.
SHE: Yep, I’m willing to stand with the righteous. Unless I have to get on the shortbus.
HE: It’s people like that who make me want to avoid public transportation.
SHE: One time I was on this bus with my German friend and there was this guy who tried to chat me and her up. He said his name was “Cool Breeze.” All of a sudden, my friend couldn’t speak any English and I had to talk to him.
HE: I can’t believe I’ve never heard this story before. What other nuggets do you have?
SHE: Wouldn’t you like to know?

HE: Dude runs over a vampire…and then swerves off the road into a tree. What the heck.
SHE: Just horrible.
HE: I mean, did the driver feel so bad he couldn’t handle the wheel anymore?
SHE: See, even the little people can prevent apocalypses. Just keep going and say it was a squirrel.
HE: Remind me never to ride your bus.
SHE: You’re fine on the bus, just don’t walk on the road in front of me.


HE: Okay, this prophecy officially sucks. It specifically said “out of the ashes.” Where were the ashes? It was just vampires killing people like they always do. They said out of the ashes.
SHE: Maybe the ashtray tipped over when the driver wrecked the bus.


HE: Xander’s shirt is making me seasick. Looks like he has a bunch of lollipops stuck to his shirt.
SHE: Xander’s shirt is horrible. But it’s the combo. The puke-green shirt with the beige pants? I don’t think the costumer liked Nicholas much. But I like the watch.
HE: Xander’s Tweetybird watch? Yup, he’s gay.
SHE: Oh hello! Well, Joss was toying around with the idea of making Xander gay instead of Willow.
HE: That would never have flown.
SHE: So he made Xander act gay?

HE: Cordy’s “kind of grabby,” according to Owen.
SHE: I’m not sure why the girls are fighting over him.
HE: As long as he’s brooding, I think he’s golden. Then he opens his mouth, and game over.
SHE: He should be more like you?
HE: It is what it is, yo.
SHE: [groans]

---

The Big Date

HE: Why is Xander in Buffy’s room giving advice on Buffy’s clothing? Buffy doesn’t even ask him to leave the room when she undresses.
SHE: Yeah, What’s up with that?
HE: I think we know what’s up with that.
SHE: She thinks he’s gay.
HE: Exactly. If a girl doesn’t view a guy as a threat in that situation, he’s either too young, too old, too related, or too “not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

SHE: Yes! Superlibrarian!
HE: The Man in Tweed goes to Buffy’s house this time. Plus he’s brought reading material.
SHE: A rousing tale about a double red herring, I mean homicide.

HE: Relax, Giles! She’s taking a pager, everything’s fine!
SHE: Then we find out Giles doesn’t know how to use the pager.
HE: What’s to use? You call it like it’s a phone.
SHE: So? The man can’t turn on a computer.
HE: Infernal miniaturized machines!

---

Giles in Danger

HE: That singer looks like a female Alice Cooper.
SHE: Only not so hard on the eyes.
HE: That’s your opinion. And yet she’s married.
SHE: Seems like only yesterday we were at the Bronze.
HE: Seriously, I think she's a tranny.

VELVET CHAIN "Buffy"



HE: Well, the book on Owen is that he’s “quiet, sequestered, and uneventful” and finds most girls “frivolous.”
SHE: Frivolous? Okay, Owen needs to come out of the closet.
HE: No wonder Xander doesn’t like him. Or should I say, “doesn’t like him.”

Cordelia: “Look at you here, all alone.”

HE: Ha! Love it.
SHE: She’s so mean. You’re memorizing her lines, aren’t you?
HE: With a little tweaking, I can totally use them in class.
SHE: You’re going to be mean to mean to your students, Cordelia-style? The weaker ones will wilt and die.
HE: As it written, so shall it be.

HE: When Cordelia says, “When you’re ready for the big leagues, let me know,” it sounds vaguely slutty.
SHE: Vaguely?
HE: Must be the baseball metaphor. And the earlier reference to Cordelia’s “wide hips.”
SHE: I’d say you think too much, but I really don’t think that’s the problem.

HE: Giles is right to be spooked being at the mausoleum all by his solitary
SHE: In the dark. In the middle of the cemetery. I don’t think Giles should go in there.
HE: Get out the crucifix, dude!
SHE: Meanwhile, I love this band! They’ve been playing for like the whole show.
HE: Apparently no files in the file cabinet. Lazy coroners!
SHE: I’m thinking if Giles can move it, it’s not going to bar the door very well.
HE: Turns out it didn’t. Oh, and here’s Xander and Willow appearing at the window like wacky neighbors.

Here's Xander and Willow appearing at the window like wacky neighbors.

---

The Strangest Girl

HE: Owen should ask Angel about Emily Dickinson. He probably knew her. Or ate her father, or something.
SHE: And nothing’s going on right now. Just Giles dying at the funeral home.
HE: Well, it’s an efficient arrangement, at any rate.

SHE: Why doesn’t Angel go with to the funeral home to help?
HE: It really isn’t addressed. He’s trying to be all cryptic and mysterious, but instead he just looks really lazy.
SHE: He came to reprimand her for being at the Bronze.
HE: She forgot to thank him for the nonspecific warning about the vague threat.

---

Fun at the Funeral Home

HE: I think Owen likes the funeral home a bit too much.
SHE: Makes me wonder what other sexual deviances he has.
HE: Speaking of which, Giles had to lie on top of a body to wait out the vamps.
SHE: No. Don’t.
HE: I wonder if the corpse had an erection. Sometimes that happens. If so, how uncomfortable!
SHE: Eww!

SHE: When they’re piling up all that stuff, what good is the lampshade going to do?
HE: That’s a barring the door convention. You have to stack stuff.
SHE: Any stuff?
HE: Well, you got to put the light stuff on top. It’s the Aesthetics of Stacking.
It's the Aesthetics of Stacking.

---

He is Risen

SHE: Classic scene. Guy rising from the autopsy table.
HE: Do dead bodies usually move, asks Owen. You’re a dumbass.
SHE: “I have been judged.” Let’s check out his moobies.
HE: Moobies?
SHE: Man boobies! Didn’t you check out his moobies? You’ve been on that douchebag site for half a year, and you didn’t notice them? I checked them out, and I didn’t even want to.

HE: This guy totally reminds me of Luke. He headbutts the glass, and starts talking Pentecostal like Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear. “He is risen in me. He fills my head with song. Pork and beans. Pork and beans.” What the heck?
SHE: I was scared.

---

An Unusual First Date

HE: No Ben and Jerry’s for this couple, just a lonely walk home.
SHE: As far as dates go, I think that was a success.
HE: No one died.
SHE: Mooby guy did.
HE: He was already dead. Anyway, he got what was coming to him. Doosh.
SHE: You sing ‘pork and beans’ in my home, I’ll incinerate you, too.

---

Not a Workable Thing

HE: Nice juice box, Xander!
SHE: Xander acts like the ten-year old cousin who wants to hang around with the teenage girls.

HE: Owen wants to be with Buffy because she makes him feel alive. That’s a recurrent theme for her, isn’t it?
SHE: Angel, Spike…Riley?
HE: Homespun just like Owen. Both of them needed to get out more.
SHE: At least Parker just wanted sex. And just the once.
HE: Ouch! “It’s not you, it’s me”? “Let’s be friends”?
SHE: And his heart breaks…here.

HE: Ah, clichés that women push off on men. “I had no idea you felt that way.”
SHE: “I never meant to lead you on.”
HE: “I’m flattered, but...” Nothing good follows that clause.
SHE: “Maybe someday, who knows?” That means never, never, never. Unless you get a face transplant and become a millionaire.

HE: So Giles was destined to be a watcher at 10 and he recalls his father’s speech about sacrifice. Didn’t that speech strike you as odd, considering he became the Ripper later?
SHE: A little hypocritical.
HE: And perhaps a bit literal. Sacrifice?

---

The Anointed One

HE: Oh God. Here’s the Master and his stupid blue bone throne again.
SHE: They did pick out a creepy looking child to be the Anointed.
HE: I just can’t believe the Anointed One is Punky Brewster.



Next time: “Pack”

Which Buffy Character Are You?

Today we took a well-crafted test that's supposed to tell you which character from the Buffyverse you are. It's called the 4-Variable Buffy Personality Test and is definitely worth a look. There is a series of 44 questions which measure morality, passion, spirituality, and selflessness.

The results were surprising.

HE is Glorificus.

SHE: Not really surprised.
HE: This indicates to me the validity of the test. I am fabulous.

Glorificus
55% amorality, 73% passion, 82% spirituality, 36% selflessness

You probably have a complicated, multi-faceted personality. Kind of like Glory-Ben-Glorificus.

Passionate and driven with a spiritual side that comes out at times, a healthy taste for the finer things in life and a willingness to do what's necessary to achieve your ends. You're assertive and have no problems standing up for yourself. And, push come to shove, you're the closest anyone's ever come to straight-up beating the Slayer and her gang.


SHE is Dawn.

SHE: It kind of makes sense in a way. You always wish, as a woman, you were Buffy. But Dawn has Buffy's DNA, so I'll take it.
HE: The whininess doesn't bother you at all?
SHE: Nope.
HE: How about the nostrils?
SHE: That bothers me. But hey, you're like a boy and a girl, so...
HE: That's not funny.

Dawn Summers
55% amorality, 64% passion, 82% spirituality, 64% selflessness

Dawn is a person driven by her love for her friends and her desire to make a difference. Perhaps you are, too. You're willing to do whatever is necessary to do what is right for those you care about, and sometimes this can get you in a little bit of trouble.

Most of all, however, you have a heart of gold.

Congratulations!

Teacher's Pet

“Teacher’s Pet”
8/1/08

Tonight’s episode, “Teacher’s Pet,” features the first in a long line of troublesome trysts for Alexander Lavelle Harris. (Heh. Lavelle.) Who knows why this is his destiny? Perhaps the gods are frowning on Xander’s godawful choice of shirts.

Science Class

HE: Okey dokey, here we are opening in The Bronze.

SHE: Clearly a dream sequence here. Everyone loves Slutty Buffy.
HE: I know I do. Xander stakes the vampire, saving Buffy, but did you notice that chair leg hit the vampire in the appendix? Even Dream Xander sucks.

SHE: “Read Chapters 6-8.” He’s a great teacher. That means he’s going to DIE.
HE: “I don’t care” about your excuses. I love Dr. Gregory!
SHE: He has a doctorate. And he’s teaching high school.
HE: Think he also teaches at UC Sunnydale?


Another Warning

HE: Check out the silver lamé shirt of the singer.

SHE: That’s a nice and shiny shirt.
HE: Yikes. What do you think of the band?
SHE: I’d dance to it. It’s hard to think about the band when you’re thinking about Xander’s ugly shirt.
HE: I don’t think the lead singer has the right to judge. The sound of the band’s singer got me really hostile. Kind of like Tom Petty meets Billy Corgan.

[Original video for Superfine's “Already Met You”...waiting on Google Video to get their act together. Please check back later. It's worth the effort. Or maybe it isn't.]

HE: Blayne…what kind of a name is Blayne Mall?
SHE: It’s gai.

HE: This episode is directed by Bruce Seth Green…same as…? Think it’s the same guy?
SHE: No. Not the same guy. Not even related.



HE: So Angel basically stopped by to give Buffy a leather jacket?
SHE: He’s useless.
HE: And to tell Buffy something she already knows. The Master’s coming!
SHE: He doesn’t mention the fork guy. She sees his arm. What is his purpose? I thought he was there to help. All he does is try not to smile at her, and says stuff.

A Killing on Campus

HE: No one can say that Miss French didn’t warn everybody. First there was the slo-mo walk and the African music. Then she tells us all about praying mantises.
SHE: Indeed. She was jonesing on the whole lecture. She probably skipped a few insects just to talk about mantises.
HE: Blayne says: “Guess that’s what they call natural selection.” Ha ha. Couldn’t have that joke on Seventh Heaven.
SHE: Or Highway to Heaven.
HE: Or Touched by an Angel.
SHE: Or Little House on the Prarie.
HE: Um…Major Dad?

HE: Cordy discovers the body! Medically prescribed lunch! What do you think her problem is?
SHE: She’s not special enough. What exactly does she need the note for? Permission to put her lunch in the fridge?
She's having a chimichanga?

HE: Maybe there’s stuff with long Latin names in it.
SHE: Like jalapeno peppers? She’s having a chimichanga?

HE: Wow, look! Buffy has been CRYING!
SHE: We don’t see Buffy cry very often for someone who died. This may be the first and only time.
HE: She threw up for her mom. Doesn’t that count?
SHE: You’re a charmer, you are.

HE: Xander says, “We’re on Monster Island.” That’s actually kind of clever.
SHE: Not just Silverware man. There’s something else beside Silverware man.
HE: Was that what Angel was off fighting last week?
SHE: And not winning? Apparently, because he wasn’t around.
HE: He fights the Forces of Forkness so Buffy doesn’t have to. You want the spork? You can’t handle the spork!

Claw Guy


HE: Why doesn’t Buff jump over the fence, as on the pilot?
SHE: Yeah! And a homeless guy sneaks up on Buffy. What’s the scorecard now?
HE: I’ll set one up. Giles, Cordelia, Xander even…this is number four. By the way, how did the bums get into the locked park? Do they have super springy powers?
SHE: I think they just stayed in there, and let the police lock them in.


HE: Claw guy is afraid of the police? because…?
SHE: He’s just a scairdy-vampire. He runs away from Buffy.
HE: Miss French frightens him down a manhole. I wonder why that was. Do vampires have a natural aversion to insects?
SHE: Maybe her vaginal secretions are hard to get out.
HE: Uh…WHAT?!
SHE: They talked about how they hump you.
HE: OMG.

The Exorcist Twist


HE: Did you notice Buffy’s midriff baring shirt? She needs a belly ring. Why are you looking at me like that?
SHE: Are they doing that yet in the 90’s?
HE: I don’t remember. All I know is that it’s 1996 and she still has the Lucky Star earrings.

SHE: According to Mr. Flutie, if you repress your feelings, you’ll need a powerful laxative to get it out.
HE: Yuck. Mr. Flutie, when he dips his head like that, looks like Mr. Bean.
SHE: Like a fat Mr. Bean.
HE: Next thing you know, he’ll be running around with a uncooked turkey on his head.


Cordy: I’m not saying we should kill a teacher every day so I can lose weight.

HE: Great line.
SHE: Yes, seven and a half ounces.
HE: That’s like what, half a pound?
SHE: She says used Mercedes still have leather seats. We should all take that to heart.
HE: What does that even mean?
SHE: It was her version of…oh, I don’t know.

SHE: “I think you meant pollination for number 14.” I bet he did!
HE: How did no one other than Buffy notice the Exorcist Twist?
SHE: ‘Cause they were all busy taking their pop quiz like good students.
HE: Right. She did say to keep their eyes on their papers.

A Big Bug

HE: Lavelle is Xander’s middle name?
SHE: That explains a lot.
HE: Is that like Levar, as in Levar Burton?
SHE: Maybe it’s a family name. A family of gay Frenchmen.

SHE: So substitutes have teacher conferences? How come I didn’t go to any?
HE: They didn’t like you?
SHE: Thanks, babe.

HE: Miss French has a Tupperware container marked “FOOD.” I guess that’s so she won’t eat something non-food by accident.
SHE: When you’re putting bugs on bread…and I guess she eats the bread for fiber…I was really surprised the bugs were still living, because there were no holes punched in it.
HE: Bugs can live forever. So the bugs were the protein.
SHE: The mayonnaise was for flavor, apparently.


Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.

HE: Here’s Willow hacking into the coroner’s office. Hopefully he doesn’t have one of those antiquated systems with the file cabinets and manilla folders like a lot of old crotchety coroners have.
SHE: I’d like to point out that Willow’s dressing fashionably. I’d also like to point out Xander’s first poor dating choice. Nope, it never gets better.
HE: “I’ve met someone, and you’re jealous,” he tells Buffy.
SHE: He really is gay.
HE: You’re going to town with that word tonight.
SHE: What word, gay? Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.

HE: Xander asks,“What kind of a girlie name is Angel, anyway?”
SHE: What kind of name is Lavelle?
HE: Wasn’t there a singer named Lavelle?
SHE: You’re thinking of Patti LaBelle.

Miss French’s Need

HE: Best shot. To open a scene. Ever. Thank you, show!
SHE: Did you like that, sweetie?
HE: Beyoncé would call that a freakum dress.
SHE: She’s going all out just to lure a teenager. She should have just got naked and answer the door.
HE: While I agree whole-heartedly with the naked thing, I must protest that she’s clearly a woman of grace and panache.
SHE: She knows how to fill a dress.

SHE: He’s down. It took her 30 seconds to get him unconscious on the floor.
HE: Miss French has pioneered the roofie!
SHE: Why does the roofie help him see her?
HE: He sees, but doesn’t care. Then plonk! he wakes up in Jamie Gumb’s basement.
SHE: It puts the lotion in the basket.
HE: Or else it gets the hose again!

The She-Mantis

HE: Blayne was All-City; he shouldn’t be such a wussy.
SHE: He is whiny.
HE: Take your time, Buffy. No one’s going to miss these clowns.

Meet Miss French

HE: This is the second episode in a row Giles and company go to somebody’s house.
SHE: They can take their act on the road.
HE: Later on, everyone seems to barge into Giles’s place.
SHE: That’s karma for you.


Claw Guy Helps Out

HE: Oh Claw Guy, don’t you know that vampires should never fight near picket fences?
SHE: Or chairs.
HE: Or loading palettes.
SHE: Or bathtubs with radios plugged in near them.
HE: Or…what?
SHE: Oh look! Xander is ‘moe.’ Oh, noe!

The Mantis Slayer

SHE: Buffy pushes Xander out of way so she can fight Miss French.
HE: Once again, Xander is useless.
SHE: He can’t even escape well.
HE: Their silhouettes are battling on the wall…like the 7th season with the First Slayer picture show.
SHE: Good observation.
HE: Thank you. Yes, it was quite nice.

Things Left Behind
SHE: Why does Angel look like he’s about to smile all the time?
HE: Doesn’t he know he has to glower, or mope.?
SHE: Don’t forget the brooding.
HE: Say, can you name three things in this show that were ‘left behind’?
SHE: Dr. Gregory’s glasses.
HE: That’s one.
SHE: Miss French’s eggs.
HE: That’s two. What about the third one? It’s a stumper!
SHE: Um. Are you sure there’s three? I give up.
HE: Angel left his jacket with Buffy!
SHE: Oh yeah. Well, I’ve got a question for you. Whatever happened to the extra eggs?
HE: Beats me. Maybe the custodians sold them.



CORRECTION: An update on the last posting. The music played during the cheerleader tryouts was actually “Twilight Zone” by 2 Unlimited, not C + C Music Factory.



Next time: "Never Kill a Boy on the First Date"