Teacher's Pet

“Teacher’s Pet”
8/1/08

Tonight’s episode, “Teacher’s Pet,” features the first in a long line of troublesome trysts for Alexander Lavelle Harris. (Heh. Lavelle.) Who knows why this is his destiny? Perhaps the gods are frowning on Xander’s godawful choice of shirts.

Science Class

HE: Okey dokey, here we are opening in The Bronze.

SHE: Clearly a dream sequence here. Everyone loves Slutty Buffy.
HE: I know I do. Xander stakes the vampire, saving Buffy, but did you notice that chair leg hit the vampire in the appendix? Even Dream Xander sucks.

SHE: “Read Chapters 6-8.” He’s a great teacher. That means he’s going to DIE.
HE: “I don’t care” about your excuses. I love Dr. Gregory!
SHE: He has a doctorate. And he’s teaching high school.
HE: Think he also teaches at UC Sunnydale?


Another Warning

HE: Check out the silver lamé shirt of the singer.

SHE: That’s a nice and shiny shirt.
HE: Yikes. What do you think of the band?
SHE: I’d dance to it. It’s hard to think about the band when you’re thinking about Xander’s ugly shirt.
HE: I don’t think the lead singer has the right to judge. The sound of the band’s singer got me really hostile. Kind of like Tom Petty meets Billy Corgan.

[Original video for Superfine's “Already Met You”...waiting on Google Video to get their act together. Please check back later. It's worth the effort. Or maybe it isn't.]

HE: Blayne…what kind of a name is Blayne Mall?
SHE: It’s gai.

HE: This episode is directed by Bruce Seth Green…same as…? Think it’s the same guy?
SHE: No. Not the same guy. Not even related.



HE: So Angel basically stopped by to give Buffy a leather jacket?
SHE: He’s useless.
HE: And to tell Buffy something she already knows. The Master’s coming!
SHE: He doesn’t mention the fork guy. She sees his arm. What is his purpose? I thought he was there to help. All he does is try not to smile at her, and says stuff.

A Killing on Campus

HE: No one can say that Miss French didn’t warn everybody. First there was the slo-mo walk and the African music. Then she tells us all about praying mantises.
SHE: Indeed. She was jonesing on the whole lecture. She probably skipped a few insects just to talk about mantises.
HE: Blayne says: “Guess that’s what they call natural selection.” Ha ha. Couldn’t have that joke on Seventh Heaven.
SHE: Or Highway to Heaven.
HE: Or Touched by an Angel.
SHE: Or Little House on the Prarie.
HE: Um…Major Dad?

HE: Cordy discovers the body! Medically prescribed lunch! What do you think her problem is?
SHE: She’s not special enough. What exactly does she need the note for? Permission to put her lunch in the fridge?
She's having a chimichanga?

HE: Maybe there’s stuff with long Latin names in it.
SHE: Like jalapeno peppers? She’s having a chimichanga?

HE: Wow, look! Buffy has been CRYING!
SHE: We don’t see Buffy cry very often for someone who died. This may be the first and only time.
HE: She threw up for her mom. Doesn’t that count?
SHE: You’re a charmer, you are.

HE: Xander says, “We’re on Monster Island.” That’s actually kind of clever.
SHE: Not just Silverware man. There’s something else beside Silverware man.
HE: Was that what Angel was off fighting last week?
SHE: And not winning? Apparently, because he wasn’t around.
HE: He fights the Forces of Forkness so Buffy doesn’t have to. You want the spork? You can’t handle the spork!

Claw Guy


HE: Why doesn’t Buff jump over the fence, as on the pilot?
SHE: Yeah! And a homeless guy sneaks up on Buffy. What’s the scorecard now?
HE: I’ll set one up. Giles, Cordelia, Xander even…this is number four. By the way, how did the bums get into the locked park? Do they have super springy powers?
SHE: I think they just stayed in there, and let the police lock them in.


HE: Claw guy is afraid of the police? because…?
SHE: He’s just a scairdy-vampire. He runs away from Buffy.
HE: Miss French frightens him down a manhole. I wonder why that was. Do vampires have a natural aversion to insects?
SHE: Maybe her vaginal secretions are hard to get out.
HE: Uh…WHAT?!
SHE: They talked about how they hump you.
HE: OMG.

The Exorcist Twist


HE: Did you notice Buffy’s midriff baring shirt? She needs a belly ring. Why are you looking at me like that?
SHE: Are they doing that yet in the 90’s?
HE: I don’t remember. All I know is that it’s 1996 and she still has the Lucky Star earrings.

SHE: According to Mr. Flutie, if you repress your feelings, you’ll need a powerful laxative to get it out.
HE: Yuck. Mr. Flutie, when he dips his head like that, looks like Mr. Bean.
SHE: Like a fat Mr. Bean.
HE: Next thing you know, he’ll be running around with a uncooked turkey on his head.


Cordy: I’m not saying we should kill a teacher every day so I can lose weight.

HE: Great line.
SHE: Yes, seven and a half ounces.
HE: That’s like what, half a pound?
SHE: She says used Mercedes still have leather seats. We should all take that to heart.
HE: What does that even mean?
SHE: It was her version of…oh, I don’t know.

SHE: “I think you meant pollination for number 14.” I bet he did!
HE: How did no one other than Buffy notice the Exorcist Twist?
SHE: ‘Cause they were all busy taking their pop quiz like good students.
HE: Right. She did say to keep their eyes on their papers.

A Big Bug

HE: Lavelle is Xander’s middle name?
SHE: That explains a lot.
HE: Is that like Levar, as in Levar Burton?
SHE: Maybe it’s a family name. A family of gay Frenchmen.

SHE: So substitutes have teacher conferences? How come I didn’t go to any?
HE: They didn’t like you?
SHE: Thanks, babe.

HE: Miss French has a Tupperware container marked “FOOD.” I guess that’s so she won’t eat something non-food by accident.
SHE: When you’re putting bugs on bread…and I guess she eats the bread for fiber…I was really surprised the bugs were still living, because there were no holes punched in it.
HE: Bugs can live forever. So the bugs were the protein.
SHE: The mayonnaise was for flavor, apparently.


Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.

HE: Here’s Willow hacking into the coroner’s office. Hopefully he doesn’t have one of those antiquated systems with the file cabinets and manilla folders like a lot of old crotchety coroners have.
SHE: I’d like to point out that Willow’s dressing fashionably. I’d also like to point out Xander’s first poor dating choice. Nope, it never gets better.
HE: “I’ve met someone, and you’re jealous,” he tells Buffy.
SHE: He really is gay.
HE: You’re going to town with that word tonight.
SHE: What word, gay? Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.

HE: Xander asks,“What kind of a girlie name is Angel, anyway?”
SHE: What kind of name is Lavelle?
HE: Wasn’t there a singer named Lavelle?
SHE: You’re thinking of Patti LaBelle.

Miss French’s Need

HE: Best shot. To open a scene. Ever. Thank you, show!
SHE: Did you like that, sweetie?
HE: Beyoncé would call that a freakum dress.
SHE: She’s going all out just to lure a teenager. She should have just got naked and answer the door.
HE: While I agree whole-heartedly with the naked thing, I must protest that she’s clearly a woman of grace and panache.
SHE: She knows how to fill a dress.

SHE: He’s down. It took her 30 seconds to get him unconscious on the floor.
HE: Miss French has pioneered the roofie!
SHE: Why does the roofie help him see her?
HE: He sees, but doesn’t care. Then plonk! he wakes up in Jamie Gumb’s basement.
SHE: It puts the lotion in the basket.
HE: Or else it gets the hose again!

The She-Mantis

HE: Blayne was All-City; he shouldn’t be such a wussy.
SHE: He is whiny.
HE: Take your time, Buffy. No one’s going to miss these clowns.

Meet Miss French

HE: This is the second episode in a row Giles and company go to somebody’s house.
SHE: They can take their act on the road.
HE: Later on, everyone seems to barge into Giles’s place.
SHE: That’s karma for you.


Claw Guy Helps Out

HE: Oh Claw Guy, don’t you know that vampires should never fight near picket fences?
SHE: Or chairs.
HE: Or loading palettes.
SHE: Or bathtubs with radios plugged in near them.
HE: Or…what?
SHE: Oh look! Xander is ‘moe.’ Oh, noe!

The Mantis Slayer

SHE: Buffy pushes Xander out of way so she can fight Miss French.
HE: Once again, Xander is useless.
SHE: He can’t even escape well.
HE: Their silhouettes are battling on the wall…like the 7th season with the First Slayer picture show.
SHE: Good observation.
HE: Thank you. Yes, it was quite nice.

Things Left Behind
SHE: Why does Angel look like he’s about to smile all the time?
HE: Doesn’t he know he has to glower, or mope.?
SHE: Don’t forget the brooding.
HE: Say, can you name three things in this show that were ‘left behind’?
SHE: Dr. Gregory’s glasses.
HE: That’s one.
SHE: Miss French’s eggs.
HE: That’s two. What about the third one? It’s a stumper!
SHE: Um. Are you sure there’s three? I give up.
HE: Angel left his jacket with Buffy!
SHE: Oh yeah. Well, I’ve got a question for you. Whatever happened to the extra eggs?
HE: Beats me. Maybe the custodians sold them.



CORRECTION: An update on the last posting. The music played during the cheerleader tryouts was actually “Twilight Zone” by 2 Unlimited, not C + C Music Factory.



Next time: "Never Kill a Boy on the First Date"