8/5/08
A Time of Crisis
HE: Giles says Buffy’s execution is “adequate.” That she should “plunge and move on.”
SHE: She never does that in the entire series.
HE: Buffy from “The Wish” did. She was kind of joyless, though.
SHE: No joie de slay.
SHE: I love rings. Is this church?
HE: Okay, the vamp leaves behind a ring. Usually the vampire’s stuff poofs, too.
SHE: Maybe they don’t usually bother to go through the vampire’s stuff.
HE: This whole thing troubles me. What poofs and what doesn’t? What are the rules? Does it have to belong to the vampire?
SHE: Metal stuff doesn’t poof.
HE: Yes it does. Belt buckles. Earrings. Jewelry. Sometimes even weapons.
SHE: Do fillings poof?
HE: Maybe it poofs if it belonged to the vampire. But what if a vampire borrowed a sweater?
SHE: Poof!
HE: What if a vampire got staked in a car he owned?
SHE: Is he wearing the car?
HE: Man, the Master likes to read.
SHE: He’s really wasting his breath on those yuck-yucks. It’s like he sired a bunch of yokels from Appalachia to be his minions.
He's really wasting his breath on those yuck-yucks.
HE: “As it is written, so shall it be.”
SHE: Enough already.
HE: “Here endeth the lesson.” Say, Buffy says that in Season 7 when she’s speechifying all over the place.
SHE: Oh, that was a lesson. Wasn’t church after all.
Owen
SHE: I love that dress and she wears it well.
HE: The green and white number?
SHE: Mm-hmm.
HE: So Owen Thurman reads Emily Dickinson? Where is it, he asks. How about look under D for dumbass?
SHE: We’re supposed to believe he’s a scholar and he can’t find Dickinson in the library?
HE: Did you know you can sing her poetry to the Theme from Gilligan’s Island?
SHE: Sweetie, I think you can sing half of the canon to Gilligan’s Island. Solitary, mysterious. Sounds like you, honey.
HE: What did you think about Cordelia cutting Buffy off in the cafeteria?
SHE: Man, she just won’t let it go. She has goals.
HE: “Cordelia’s hips are wider than I thought!” I’ll have to remember that one.
SHE: That was a good one.
HE: I love it when they’re catty with each other.
A Violent Prophecy
HE: The Advent of Septus. Do you have to buy gifts for that one?
SHE: I didn’t know seven even had a holiday. No one told me.
HE: When I first heard it, I thought he said sepsis.
SHE: I didn’t know horrible medical conditions had a holiday either.
HE: I’m just hoping there’s no Advent of Septic.
HE: “The dark forces are aligning against us!” Whoa, calm down there, Giles!
SHE: Oh, that’s old hat. Dark forces are always aligning themselves against them.
HE: You’d think they’d be pretty much parallel by now.
SHE: Ooh! Tiger coat!
HE: I think that coat is gr-r-r-r-reat! Get it?
SHE: Mmm.
HE: You know, Tony the Tiger?
SHE: Funnyman, making with the jokes.
Five Shall Die
HE: I like the misdirection in this scene. We’re led to think bible-quoting man—Borba—is the Big Nasty in this episode. What kind of name is Borba, anyway?
SHE: I’m telling you—Foothills of Tennessee or Kentucky. One of those made-up names.
HE: Actually, I don’t think his name is ever mentioned. I think we only read it on the subtitles.
SHE: They say it. Giles says it. This guy Borba was wanted for double homicide. And for standing up on the bus.
HE: Oh yeah. I wonder how I missed that.
SHE: Maybe if you weren’t so busy thinking up your next joke.
Another Chance
SHE: Cordelia is still working it. Even though she got dissed at lunch.
HE: Owen is tall! Or Cordelia is short.
SHE: When he looks at Angel, he doesn’t look down.
HE: It’s so hard to tell how tall people are on TV.
SHE: Sylvester Stallone is only five feet tall.HE: And Tom Cruise is only three feet tall.
HE: Pale horse, judgment bringing fire, sin is a liquid all around…this is like one of those guys who walk around downtown with the handwritten “HOMO SEX IS SIN” signs and pass out the hate pamphlets with all the misspellings. And they never shut up.
SHE: Yep, I’m willing to stand with the righteous. Unless I have to get on the shortbus.
HE: It’s people like that who make me want to avoid public transportation.
SHE: One time I was on this bus with my German friend and there was this guy who tried to chat me and her up. He said his name was “Cool Breeze.” All of a sudden, my friend couldn’t speak any English and I had to talk to him.
HE: I can’t believe I’ve never heard this story before. What other nuggets do you have?
SHE: Wouldn’t you like to know?
HE: Dude runs over a vampire…and then swerves off the road into a tree. What the heck.
SHE: Just horrible.
HE: I mean, did the driver feel so bad he couldn’t handle the wheel anymore?
SHE: See, even the little people can prevent apocalypses. Just keep going and say it was a squirrel.
HE: Remind me never to ride your bus.
SHE: You’re fine on the bus, just don’t walk on the road in front of me.
HE: Okay, this prophecy officially sucks. It specifically said “out of the ashes.” Where were the ashes? It was just vampires killing people like they always do. They said out of the ashes.
SHE: Maybe the ashtray tipped over when the driver wrecked the bus.
HE: Xander’s shirt is making me seasick. Looks like he has a bunch of lollipops stuck to his shirt.
SHE: Xander’s shirt is horrible. But it’s the combo. The puke-green shirt with the beige pants? I don’t think the costumer liked Nicholas much. But I like the watch.
HE: Xander’s Tweetybird watch? Yup, he’s gay.SHE: Oh hello! Well, Joss was toying around with the idea of making Xander gay instead of Willow.
HE: That would never have flown.
SHE: So he made Xander act gay?
HE: Cordy’s “kind of grabby,” according to Owen.
SHE: I’m not sure why the girls are fighting over him.
HE: As long as he’s brooding, I think he’s golden. Then he opens his mouth, and game over.
SHE: He should be more like you?
HE: It is what it is, yo.
SHE: [groans]
The Big Date
HE: Why is Xander in Buffy’s room giving advice on Buffy’s clothing? Buffy doesn’t even ask him to leave the room when she undresses.
SHE: Yeah, What’s up with that?
HE: I think we know what’s up with that.
SHE: She thinks he’s gay.
HE: Exactly. If a girl doesn’t view a guy as a threat in that situation, he’s either too young, too old, too related, or too “not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
SHE: Yes! Superlibrarian!
HE: The Man in Tweed goes to Buffy’s house this time. Plus he’s brought reading material.
SHE: A rousing tale about a double red herring, I mean homicide.
HE: Relax, Giles! She’s taking a pager, everything’s fine!
SHE: Then we find out Giles doesn’t know how to use the pager.
HE: What’s to use? You call it like it’s a phone.
SHE: So? The man can’t turn on a computer.
HE: Infernal miniaturized machines!
Giles in Danger
HE: That singer looks like a female Alice Cooper.
SHE: Only not so hard on the eyes.
HE: That’s your opinion. And yet she’s married.
SHE: Seems like only yesterday we were at the Bronze.
HE: Seriously, I think she's a tranny.
VELVET CHAIN "Buffy"
HE: Well, the book on Owen is that he’s “quiet, sequestered, and uneventful” and finds most girls “frivolous.”
SHE: Frivolous? Okay, Owen needs to come out of the closet.
HE: No wonder Xander doesn’t like him. Or should I say, “doesn’t like him.”
Cordelia: “Look at you here, all alone.”
HE: Ha! Love it.
SHE: She’s so mean. You’re memorizing her lines, aren’t you?
HE: With a little tweaking, I can totally use them in class.
SHE: You’re going to be mean to mean to your students, Cordelia-style? The weaker ones will wilt and die.
HE: As it written, so shall it be.
HE: When Cordelia says, “When you’re ready for the big leagues, let me know,” it sounds vaguely slutty.
SHE: Vaguely?
HE: Must be the baseball metaphor. And the earlier reference to Cordelia’s “wide hips.”
SHE: I’d say you think too much, but I really don’t think that’s the problem.
HE: Giles is right to be spooked being at the mausoleum all by his solitary
SHE: In the dark. In the middle of the cemetery. I don’t think Giles should go in there.
HE: Get out the crucifix, dude!
SHE: Meanwhile, I love this band! They’ve been playing for like the whole show.
HE: Apparently no files in the file cabinet. Lazy coroners!
SHE: I’m thinking if Giles can move it, it’s not going to bar the door very well.
HE: Turns out it didn’t. Oh, and here’s Xander and Willow appearing at the window like wacky neighbors.
Here's Xander and Willow appearing at the window like wacky neighbors.
The Strangest Girl
HE: Owen should ask Angel about Emily Dickinson. He probably knew her. Or ate her father, or something.
SHE: And nothing’s going on right now. Just Giles dying at the funeral home.
HE: Well, it’s an efficient arrangement, at any rate.
SHE: Why doesn’t Angel go with to the funeral home to help?
HE: It really isn’t addressed. He’s trying to be all cryptic and mysterious, but instead he just looks really lazy.
SHE: He came to reprimand her for being at the Bronze.
HE: She forgot to thank him for the nonspecific warning about the vague threat.
Fun at the Funeral Home
HE: I think Owen likes the funeral home a bit too much.
SHE: Makes me wonder what other sexual deviances he has.
HE: Speaking of which, Giles had to lie on top of a body to wait out the vamps.
SHE: No. Don’t.
HE: I wonder if the corpse had an erection. Sometimes that happens. If so, how uncomfortable!SHE: Eww!
SHE: When they’re piling up all that stuff, what good is the lampshade going to do?
HE: That’s a barring the door convention. You have to stack stuff.
SHE: Any stuff?
HE: Well, you got to put the light stuff on top. It’s the Aesthetics of Stacking.
It's the Aesthetics of Stacking.
He is Risen
SHE: Classic scene. Guy rising from the autopsy table.
HE: Do dead bodies usually move, asks Owen. You’re a dumbass.
SHE: “I have been judged.” Let’s check out his moobies.
HE: Moobies?
SHE: Man boobies! Didn’t you check out his moobies? You’ve been on that douchebag site for half a year, and you didn’t notice them? I checked them out, and I didn’t even want to.
HE: This guy totally reminds me of Luke. He headbutts the glass, and starts talking Pentecostal like Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear. “He is risen in me. He fills my head with song. Pork and beans. Pork and beans.” What the heck?
SHE: I was scared.
An Unusual First Date
HE: No Ben and Jerry’s for this couple, just a lonely walk home.
SHE: As far as dates go, I think that was a success.
HE: No one died.
SHE: Mooby guy did.
HE: He was already dead. Anyway, he got what was coming to him. Doosh.SHE: You sing ‘pork and beans’ in my home, I’ll incinerate you, too.
Not a Workable Thing
HE: Nice juice box, Xander!
SHE: Xander acts like the ten-year old cousin who wants to hang around with the teenage girls.
HE: Owen wants to be with Buffy because she makes him feel alive. That’s a recurrent theme for her, isn’t it?
SHE: Angel, Spike…Riley?
HE: Homespun just like Owen. Both of them needed to get out more.
SHE: At least Parker just wanted sex. And just the once.
HE: Ouch! “It’s not you, it’s me”? “Let’s be friends”?
SHE: And his heart breaks…here.
HE: Ah, clichés that women push off on men. “I had no idea you felt that way.”
SHE: “I never meant to lead you on.”
HE: “I’m flattered, but...” Nothing good follows that clause.
SHE: “Maybe someday, who knows?” That means never, never, never. Unless you get a face transplant and become a millionaire.
HE: So Giles was destined to be a watcher at 10 and he recalls his father’s speech about sacrifice. Didn’t that speech strike you as odd, considering he became the Ripper later?
SHE: A little hypocritical.
HE: And perhaps a bit literal. Sacrifice?
The Anointed One
HE: Oh God. Here’s the Master and his stupid blue bone throne again.
SHE: They did pick out a creepy looking child to be the Anointed.
HE: I just can’t believe the Anointed One is Punky Brewster.
Next time: “Pack”
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